12/31/2018

It was a great year for going back to school, seeing kids grow too fast and doing amazing things I never dreamed they were capable of, having some rejuvenating family time/trips, and fully realizing that marriage is a team sport.  It's been a year where I've done new things and comfortable old things, too.

It was a bad year for hair cuts (for me at least), perfectly excellent health for our family, and free time.

I feel like I've had some great personal growth in 2018.  I've re-thought a lot my dead-end thinking.  I'm trying to change a lot of self-talk that has not done me much good.  I'm trying to be kinder to myself but also need to push myself harder in some ways (like being a better cleaning queen).  I feel ready for 2019.  

1.  I want to really take charge of our family budget this year.  

2.  I want to get more comfortable with the idea of legitimately being a teacher.  It's like a dream/hope/maybe feels like my destiny thing right now, and as I take more classes it will be time to really test myself and realize I can stretch and do all the hard things I was too afraid to do or try 20 years ago.  I think it will be terrifying but also exhilarating and not at all impossible, despite my negative thoughts about myself.  I am full of potential and I am not over-the-hill, out-of-touch or, by any means, done.

3.  I want to fully re-connect with family that I've distanced myself from.  It is easy to feel hurt.  It is easy to be full of regret because things will never be how you imagined them or hoped they would be.  BUT it's a serious waste of time to bury your head in the sand and not face reality with love and hope, forgiveness and understanding.  So that is most definitely happening this year.

4.  I want to take care of myself completely spiritually this year.  That will involve meditation, yoga, positive talk, more scripture study than I've ever done before, lots of long walks, going to the temple to commune with my Heavenly Father and Savior, and seeing prayer for the sweet communion and lifeline it is instead of a to-do item or something to reach for most desperately when feeling desperate (although that's totally a great time to pray as well).

5.  I want to be healthier.  My health is not a number on the scale or a pant size.  I am running (maybe lots of walking, right Ja? a half marathon mid year).  I am trying to not use sugar as a coping mechanism.  And I am going to embrace more fruits and vegetables.  But I think so much of my health will depend upon #4 above and just how I treat myself and, more importantly, how I serve and love others.  

6.  I want to love more like Christ.  I want to love my husband better, my children better, my other family, my neighbors, strangers, fellow earthlings.  I want to care and contribute and pray for and send all the good vibes because a person's a person no matter how small (or large or black or white or differently-abled or differently-attracted), so I want a bigger heart, really, a changed heart this year.  

With those ideas in mind, hmm, and unexpectedly this comes out of nowhere, I think 2019's word is HEART!!!

Nicholes Family Countdown to 2019

Hello to all our family, friends, and future selves!  2018 has been a whopper of a year, so in order to not write a complete novella, I'm limiting myself to a countdown list--but I am verbose so if you plan on finishing this here countdown, get comfortable and enjoy the meandering but scenic ride.

10--Number of seasons of Friends that Lucas set out to watch this year.  Mission accomplished.  He pushed through even when he got mad at some of the characters and felt glad he did so by the end.  Lucas has kept busy (a little too busy [author gets to insert opinions YESSSS!]) with work as a DBA.  Being on-call every few weeks can lead to way too many hours working and way too few hours sleeping, but sometimes it's not so bad.  Lucas has been serving in the Elders' Quorum Presidency for our ward.  He got bummed when some church-wide changes were made in April which meant he'd be released, but then he got called into the new presidency as well.  They've enjoyed working together as they all do what they need to do so a lot of good things get accomplished.  For example, Lucas was in charge of creating a Three-Wise Men Room for a live Nativity.  Many gray hairs were acquired as he worried about the event overall and his specific duties, but he did a fabulous job.  Another proud accomplishment of the year, I'd say, is Lucas got Matthew completely hooked on the author Brandon Sanderson, and Lily too.  Plus, Lucas gets awesome husband bonus points for sitting on really hard cathedral benches while listening to the full Messiah with me a few weeks ago-bucket list item!!!

9--Age Ben was for most of 2018.  He's a live-wire, that one.  He thrives on adding physical humor to any situation.  If Lily lays a hand on him, he's suddenly on the floor writhing in agony, even if she barely touched him--maybe it's actually some kind of defense mechanism?  This school year has been Ben's first in the Gifted and Talented program (he tends to desperately want to be like Matt, so he was quite happy to get asked to test and make it in).  Ben's the kind of kid where as parents we ask ourselves what is this kid going to end up like, but then his teachers say things like I can't wait to see what he grows up to do.  He'll be able to do anything he wants.  The jury is still out, but he makes me laugh EVERY SINGLE DAY, so I'll take it.  Ben's obsession with endangered species such as red pandas and pangolins continues.  He also likes to think up introductory theme music for the Ben the Hen bedtime stories I tell him.  Thankfully, fictional Ben is the real troublemaker.  Compared to him, real-life Ben is an angel.

Ben pushing Grandma Allene around her care center.  Now that is trust.  He only crashed into a few things, and no one was harmed, physically.

8--Number of classes Lily has had her first semester of high school.  The year started off rather dramatically (read: 15 year old girl with big emotions), but she hit her stride so quickly...in surprising ways.  Lily has ended up loving her Japanese class (which originally nearly brought about Armageddon when she got it instead of ASL).  She has thoroughly embraced various aspects of Japanese culture and is picking up the language well too.  She is starting to save up so she can go on the school trip to Japan in a couple of years.  Lily also ended up joining FFA (for you city folk, that's Future Farmers' of America).  We did not see that one coming but maybe it's just in her blood.  She has a knack for dairy cow judging and took first place in Creed Speak, thus being able to move on to the next level of competition in January.  Yep, she kind of blows our minds every now and then.  Still waiting on driver's ed, but she will definitely take on that adventure in the coming year.  The only real downer in Lily's life is that she has stopped growing.  Her goal of 6 feet was never reached, but she walks proudly at 5'11" or so; all will be well, until a brother grows taller than her.

7--Apparently 7th grade is when a lot of boys just decide English and Literature are boring.  I did not know this until Matthew's parent-teacher conferences in October, but there was so much corroboration that they must be right.  His Intro to Engineering teacher said he will make a perfect engineer, despite finding one of MY favorite subjects to be beneath him.  I guess part of the shock is I thought people who love reading passionately love English--not so.  I am humbled.  But he is zealous for reading and has as insatiable an appetite for books as he has developed for food as his body gets ready to spurt.  He just turned *gasp* 13, so we have 2 teenagers under our roof now.  Matt still takes piano lessons and is learning organ (as well as Lily).  I am asked if he is always so happy and polite and kind and spiritual and friendly by various people, and he really is.  Sure, he spaces out important things sometimes, but the house hasn't burned down yet, so we'll keep him.  (Yes, we would still keep him if he burnt our house to the ground-hormones happen.)

Did someone say free books?













6--Days of the week when we just don't get to slow down and take it easy as a family.  There is so much go, go, go that my energy went, went, went long ago.  And this is with me being quite protective of our children's time.  We don't sign up for hardly anything really, but still life is just a little too full, at least fuller than I would like.  Enter, the Sabbath.  Sunday used to be a day I dreaded.  I felt like I couldn't do this, couldn't do that.  Now I live for it.  We get time together as a family.  We get to be recharged.  We focus on the Savior and trying to live our lives a little better.  And we can laugh and joke around and just, breathe.  You know?  We just get to breathe on Sundays.  And I love that.







Some Sabbath goodness right on my bed.  See!












5--Number of staples Shawn (age 7) had to have after splitting his scalp open on a cabinet door while trying to get a cup for his sister right when we were about to sing him "Happy Birthday".  He's a tough kid because about an hour later he was smiling and enjoying cake.  It was kind of a busy urgent care year for Shawn, but every child has their chance, I guess.  Shawn is in 2nd grade, and his teacher describes him as a good solid student all around.  I'll take it because, to date, my boys still let their school lives be an absolute mystery to me.  Shawn got to ride his first train this summer when we were visiting family in Ely, the Ghost Train to be exact.  Our whole family loved it, but Shawn was the only one who got his picture taken with the conductor.  Shawn has loved being in his Primary (church) class this year, not because he is the only boy with a bunch of adorable girls, but because his teacher is so patient and loving, and she is an origami-making machine.  We have a lot of origami in our home now, let me tell you, and Shawn is not keen on me throwing any of it away!  Shawn still struggles to find his place in the sibling dynamics around here, but he is rather easygoing despite being a bit sensitive, and he gets along with pretty much anyone, so I think he'll be okay.  I just hope he doesn't add to his bodily scars anytime soon.  No more attempts at flying or jumping around sharp edges, okay Little Buddy.


4--Days per week that 4-year-old Daphne goes to preschool.  She found it a bit exhausting the first few weeks but loved it since day 1.  She's still a mama's girl, but sometimes now she has the desire to push boundaries or guilt-trip me more than she desires cuddles.  Daphne worked hard this summer and became the youngest Nicholes to learn to ride a bike.  Indeed, practice DOES make perfect is not just a clever saying.  Ben and Shawn joined us in the endeavor so we are now a bike-riding family.  I'm pretty proud of that.  Daphne is a complete fashionista; I have no idea where it came from as I am no glamour girl, but she changes outfits several times a day, color coordinates and asks to wear tinted lip gloss.  She also loves to wear her Great-Grandma Drew's clip-on earrings to church on Sunday with a necklace that, naturally, coordinates appropriately with her outfit.  The school year has not been kind to Daphne's immune system, with stomach bugs and colds galore, but I'm hoping what doesn't kill her makes her stronger because she is such a beautiful and precious #5 to Lucas and me.


3--The number of credits I took in my first semester back at school.  I learned a lot in the last few months.  Not just about using technology in education, but about myself.  It has been grand, well, not for my housework but for me.  Not only did I take a class, but I ended up applying for conditional admittance into my program (1 more prerequisite and I won't be conditional anymore).  That involved an interview, an essay and letters of recommendations-all terrifying things for me, but I did it.  I also conquered my PRAXIS math test which I had let loom over me for 8 months.  When I just buckled down and set a date, studied consistently, and prayed, it all worked out in the end.  I've felt like this semester was just one foothill to climb, followed by another and then a mountain, and I soon realized, that will be all of my education and future career if I continue down this path.  I am currently signed up for 3 (sort of feeling like I might be crazy) classes for next semester, and if I can get over this stupid flu then maybe I can be in the right state of mind to finalize my plans.  I think between having a job I have not loved (see that understatement there) for several years and not having much external validation (I mean have you ever lived with 5 tougher food critics than I cook for?), I forgot that Marianne still has game, if you will.  I am capable of whatever I want to be capable of, and it feels good that I had the grit to prove that to myself this semester.  Go Team Marianne!  Lastly, I had been serving in Activity Days for church, but just barely (barely) have been asked to serve as Young Women's secretary.  Lily is over the moon about it.






A little bit of Greenbelt flooding as I went on one of my many happy-place walks last spring.













2--Number of small children besides Daphne that our cat Piper has made cry.  She's on the psychopathic side (even for a cat), but she's sweet as can be if you are taller than 5 feet.  Piper continues to haunt our sweet Golden retriever, Enzo, both in his dreams and waking hours, and we are never quite sure what to do about that.  We encourage Enzo to chase her with us, maybe do a little pouncing, but he is terrified.  His 75-pound frame shivers with fear sometimes, causing him to jump on our bed or our laps when she enters the room, 10 pounds of seething rabid-raccoon rage (it's a long story).  Again, she's sweet as can be given the right circumstances.  If you have any suggestions, let us know (and no, Dad, a bullet is not an option).  Pluto, Lily's black cat, continues to be friends with Enzo and Piper, although both cats are doing a number on the presents under the tree this holiday season.  They just can't wait until Christmas Day.

1--Number of full-fledged family vacations we took this year, and I hope we get to have many, many more before they all fly out of the nest.  We went to the Oregon Coast, and, though things didn't go quite as the itinerary outlined, it was wonderful in every way, despite Ben having a little gastrointestinal Vesuvius action (if you know what I mean) for one of the days we were there.  It was a perfect vacation, our first time trying a home rental as well.  We had couple time, lots of family time, and Matt polished off 3 large bread bowls of clam chowder while there.  We also were able to celebrate Lucas's birthday and have some friends who live in Portland take the time to come visit us in Rockaway Beach!  I could go on and on, but I won't.  On the way home, we visited Silver Falls State Park, amazing, but I must do some physical conditioning with this bunch before I drag them on a long hike again.  That can be next summer's project.

That wraps up the countdown.  Good job if you made it.  I think it's safe to say one of our fondest wishes is for each person who reads this to have a wonderful 2019, full of faith and love and learning.  It's amazing how each life we come into contact with can affect us for good, and we have certainly been blessed by many wonderful people.  There were certainly some ugly parts of this year (I'm not gonna lie), but I will only disclose those via private collect phone calls, so DM me if interested.  

Love to each of you,

The Nicholes

Bonus picture of Grandma and Grandpa who made a long potentially wild car ride up to deliver presents last weekend and play games with the kids.  That is dedication!

My Girlzz!

FFA.  Have I told you about Lily and FFA?  Probably a little bit.  She had been practicing hard ever since she heard of something called Creed Speak.  And she also took her Greenhand Knowledge Test in hopes of getting a certificate.  It was a BUSY day for us this Veteran's Day as our family was in charge of 2 flag routes as part of the YW/YM camp fundraiser.  We four rose bright and early on a cold November morn to put out flags.  I beat my hand thoroughly and repetitively with a hammer, but we had success...of some sort...all the flags were up.  That evening Lily had her first ever FFA meeting (I think they are maybe quarterly???) where she would receive a certificate for Greenhand Knowledge completion.  The preliminaries for Creed Speak were at 4:45.  The flags needed to be down by dusk.  EEEEEEEAAAAAAKKKKKKARRRRRGH!!!! (That's me screaming).  Lucas decided he and Matt would take down flags solo while I drove Lily to a high school across town.  She was so nervous but had practice hard.  I figured no matter what it would be a great experience putting herself out there.  I felt so proud.  When I got home the boys were still out.  I fed the youngest three.  Lily texted to say she felt like she died when she went through the preliminary round.  I thought, oh well, at least she'll get her certificate.  Lucas and Matt took a long time.  Poor guys.  When they arrived it was only a few minutes until the meeting started.  As we drove I felt helpless and guilty as Lily said she made top 5 (and I hadn't seen it).  Then a few minutes later she texted she had just done her turn in front of the crowd at the meeting.  I MISSED IT!  She drew first and so though we saw all the others, we missed hers.  I had that worst mom ever feeling, but at least we were there eventually, right?  When they called the highest scorers up for the Greenhand, Lily was among them.  I was surprised as they didn't call her name until finally, tied for 2nd place.  I knew then we'd have no moody teenager because she had applied herself and was rewarded.  2nd place.  Nice!  Then she totally got called up as being top 3 for her Creed Speak/Q and A.  6th, 5th, 4th....I knew she'd be pleased to place 3rd...or 2nd...but no she got 1st...#1...Yes, I wanted to grow from joy for her hard work paying off.  And she made the connection.  Hard work, personal effort, prayer...and maybe a bit of luck and she achieved beyond her expectations.  She's got a knack.  Now she gets to do districts in January or February.  Lots of school days missed for FFA, but that can be exciting as long as she keeps up with her work.

 And a blurry pictures is all you're going to get because I don't own an SLR and this is what a camera does from our distance back.  Just know that Lily is always the tallest and you're good to go.

Then there's this little lady.  I had to make her stop for a pic on the way out the door for preschool one day last week.  Just...how...cute!!!  Black shirt, jeans skirt, Mary Janes, Berbery sweater jacket, dolphin bubble necklace plus another necklace.  So Daphne, so squeezable.  I'll love her forever.  But I have to tell you a funny story about her which you may or may not find funny but which, if recorded for posterity we will all be able to laugh at in years to come.

 Daphne likes to play kitty.  If I look busy, but she still wants to play she says, "Would like to buy this cat?"  I then normally say as long as the cat doesn't bother me while I try to get X, Y or Z done then sure.  So then we go through the process of picking a name which she has to approve and often doesn't.  And I have to feed her, and then I re-remind her that I need to get something done and she can't bother...but she still does because she NEEDS Mom's attention desperately.  Well, the other morning as the boys were getting ready, she did the routine, and I think we named her Dreamy.  We played kitty and owner for a few minutes, and then I got distracted by replying to a text.  She tried to reengage me, and I said just a minute this is really important.  Right then, Ben and Shawn came in.  She looked at them and said deadpan, "Marianne does not love this cat anymore.  Would you like to buy this cat?"  I just burst out laughing and Ben laughed even harder.  He had no idea this small annoyance known as a sister could provide any amusement beyond being immensely teasable, and she wasn't trying to be funny, but it was hilarious and a good reminder of how she perceives my behaviors/attentiveness when we play, for better or worse.

November = Gratitude

I knew when my children were making extravagant Christmas lists mid October that we were in trouble.  I get as excited about Christmas as most children, but I wanted Halloween to at least have a chance.  And how could we even think of obliterating the only month of official Thanksgiving?  Using my shiny new EdTech skills and a day during a week of sickness meaning I had more down time not having to drive around so much, I made a (slightly) interactive Google Slides presentation for EVERY SINGLE DAY of November.  It's all about gratitude.  And that's right.  Even after the turkey and pies are gone and we still have that whole extra week of November before Christmas, at my house we will still be focusing on, pondering, talking and drawing about thankfulness.  It's our November scripture study actually, and it's definitely an experiment.  I'm not sure how to measure the results, and only time will tell if each of us has upped our gratitude.  It is one of the greatest of virtues, as President Monson once said.

Adorable side effect of our study:  I taught myself to cast the laptop screen onto the TV using our Amazon Firestick (I feel like I could have affiliates links here with all these brands!), and one night we were to draw pictures or write poems, etc.  I helped Daphne write a poem, and now she likes to try to copy down several words from each slide every night, saying she wants to write her poem for the day.  It's pretty cute. 

I need to share very soon about some of her 4-year-old sweetness and innocence.  She does make us giggle on occasion, even if she does not appreciate it.  Some day she will feel very proud making people laugh...today was not that day.   

Trunk or Treat

It was a pretty wild weekend...as per usual.  The stomach started around during our 4-day weekend, but before the nastiness, we trunk or treated and attended Matt's piano recital.

 Lady Bug of Miraculous:  Adventures of Ladybug and Cat Noir

 A mysterious masquerader.

A viking (who would not wear his blonde braids or a long read hair wig) and an archer (bless him for cheapest didn't have to buy a solitary thing costume ever in the history of me being a mom).

And Matt he wizard.  It fits!

Daphne has tormented herself because though Lady Bug is strong and beautiful and smart, she does not have long wavy hair and an amazing princess dress.  DG couldn't decide if her outfit was good enough compared to all the lovely princesses.  Yes, Daphne, amazing women can still be amazing and beautiful (or at least freaking adorable) in pants...and they are way easier to fight bad guys in any day of the week.

In unrelated but fun news, I am registering for spring semester.  Eek.

Must  STUDY  for  my  math  PRAXIS.  There is no hiding.  Get it done already, Marianne.

Still, I Do Have Exciting News Even if a Rain Cloud Looms

I may have done things in an odd order, but I applied to the graduate college last spring and was accepted.  Actually, I was confused and also applied to Boise State as an undergrad (I thought I had to because I was doing prerequisites but apparently not).  Then I decided I would apply a wee bit early to my certificate program.  That was a nerve-racking as all my materials were due 9/22, and that meant an essay and having guts to ask for recommendations, etc., all while keeping up school and the rest of life.  Then I got a surprise Oct 1 when I got an email saying I passed to phase II.  What?  An interview?  I thought no interview until my professional year admittance.  So that psyched me out for 2 weeks, but I had signed up for the first interview position on the first day, and I had practice my presentation again and again...and again.  Bless all those who listened!  That went down on Oct 15, and though I could have done better at being prepared with questions (I have a million but they escaped my mind at the moment) and being more comfortable with answering the questions they asked, I felt I did my best for the moment.  A week later I got my letter, part of which is below. 

Sadly, I got to be excited for 1 day and then some work issues have come up and I let that steal my joy...not sure how not to, but I am admitted.  I got all excited looking at spring classes available.  Reality is I should focus on taking my Math PRAXIS and getting my other prereq done, but it IS tempting to take another class.  We will see.  And if I don't get to it in spring, there is always summer.  I feel proud of the steps I've taken even though there are what feels like a million more and lots could go wrong.  It was nice (for 1 day) to feel like all my ducks are in a row and I am making progress.

Life's Lemons

Sure enough, just when I thought most of the things in life were coming together, I feel like all the applies just got spilled out of my basket.  No, it's not that bad, but I feel like it.  So I'm doing some thinking.  And I'm disappointed that I was happy as a clam to start blogging again until BOOM, and then suddenly I want to just hide away and go into survival mode.  I hope I can do better than that.  But it's been a less than stellar week, and I have a hard decision to make, not even trying to be cryptic; it's just there's not any kind of news to announce - it's all things I'm working out in my head.  Darn it.  I wish life were so much more simple sometimes.  I know, I know.  The tricky sticky messy bits are what help us grow, but I do get sick of having so many of them, of trying to juggle, keeping 15 balls (maybe handkerchiefs is more believable for me) in the air all the time.  

So, while I keep trying to figure things out...a beautiful picture (haha, mostly) of the kids and I on our annual Camel Back hike today to enjoy the fall colors of our beautiful city below.  We invited friends this year, and though it was out of my comfort zone to do so (such a ritualistic cave dweller I am), I'm so glad we did.  They are the best!

Busy Little Bees

That describes this weekend at our house.  As I type, the lawn is getting aerated which was supposed to happen last Friday, but there was that tree across a chunk of the lawn.  Saturday was family pics, followed by our friend bringing his dad's chainsaw and 9 kids (his and ours) helping/playing to get the job done.  It went quickly, and we were so thankful for the help!!!  We decided to have an impromptu (nearly) BBQ the next day so that Lucas would have a great reason to smoke a turkey that's been in our freezer for months.  Then we went on a double date and came home exhausted.  I still had homework to do and it's probably the first time I've fallen asleep while taking a test (fortunately it was an online one I could retake as many times as I felt like).  Sunday, it was  struggle to focus 100% on it being the Sabbath.  I will be better next week.  We blitzed the house and made a few preparations, such as Lily baking cookies, before heading to church. 

Side note:  Sunday School was really neat.  We went over several Isaiah verses piece by piece, and I could really feel the power behind his words...instead of just being mostly confused.  It helped that I asked questions/participated and others had insights to share to.  I felt quite well fed.  It is not my usual experience in Sunday School and now I wonder how much of that has been me???  No answers.

Then we came home and enjoyed Lucas's smoked turkey, green bean casserole, funeral potatoes made by our friend's daughter (delish!!!), rolls, my Peach BBQ sauce from this summer, fruit salad, soda/juice, and chocolate chip cookies.  5 adults talked and talked and 14 kids played on our little bounce house, trampoline and even Magic (that was just a few teens and tweens).  Matt was thrilled (heavy sarcasm) that his room was THE hangout for kids.  We fell into bed exhausted for the second night in a row...that's the adults, not the kids, talk about little Energizer bunnies. 

This morning I cleared up the last of what was on our lawn for the lovely aeration guy to come.  Then our kind neighbor/most awesome friend person watched first 3 kids until school started and then just Daphne as she does every Monday a.m. while I work, and Lucas and I got to help clean the temple.  I guess my job (crystal cleaning and hanging up the pretty chandelier bits) was a lot less labor intensive than Lucas's (scrubbing the font, cleaning all the glass and scrubbing up wallpaper glue from wood and marble).  Bless his heart.  They worked hard.  My delicate work was important too, but I feel like I got away with something because piecing those chandelier crystals up row by row and enjoying their cleanliness and shine and sparkle was surprisingly fun.  I'm thankful for a busy weekend, but here's to next weekend being a bit more low key (hint:  I doubt it due to trunk or treat and a piano recitial), but I promise for my sake that the Sabbath will be all about Jesus and family and not hostessing as well.  A day of rest, renewal and refocusing is a beautiful (often essential for me) thing.

TIMBERRRR!!!

I don't know about in forests, but in our backyard a tree doesn't make a sound when it falls.  We had been working around our shed all afternoon, cutting down an old lilac bush and cleaning up the neighbors' tree's pine needles.  It was a brisk breezy but sunny day.  We went inside.  The kids fixed themselves a late lunch, and Lucas and I watched some Netflix in our office.  As Lucas and I were getting ready for our date, he looked out the window to see the product of our hard work.  Then he called me over.  Our dead tree had fallen over...right where 4 of our kids, Lucas and I had been running back and forth, busy working just a couple of hours before.  Kind of scary.

 But get this, get this.  If you look below, the trampoline was about 5 feet closer to the shed when the tree fell, and yet, the tree did not hit the shed, the trampoline, the fence, our deck, or the house.  We truly feel this was a tender mercy.

So tomorrow is tree day...I hope...(been waiting on a friend all week to use his chainsaw) so we can all get to work after family pictures.  We also have to take down the taller trees little buddies there.  It's all been dead for a year...we just didn't realize how urgent the matter was...but at least we don't have to worry about a stump or roots.  It was rotted off thoroughly at ground level.

 So thankful to have all of us safe and not have extra expenses of repairs due to damage.  A nice little/big blessing. 

Side note:  Lily was reading The Book of Mormon (and playing around) with a group of friends from BYS all day, but the boys were such good workers, helping us get this and that done with no complaining (ok, a little, from one boy), but they all worked and Shawn worked especially hard.  I LOVE IT!!!

October Beauty

What a beautiful day!  I love October surprises of beautiful weather after a cold snap.    

 Daphne and I made the most of it.  After having a bit of a whirlwind, crazy obligations first part of the week, it was just Daphne and me this morning...and some laundry.  We played Barbies.  I was assigned Barbie and Chelsea while Daphne was Ken, Raquel (that poor girl), and Skipper.  Then we watched Sleeping Beauty while Daphne built a Duplos farm with our 30-year-old legos (Thanks Grandma Dee) and I folded away.  Then we packed up Daph's bike and took off to where else besides DeMeyer.  Daphne was excited to see the water gone out of the ditch we floated and splashed in all summer long.  She pedaled over it like a pro.  Her legs go so speedy-quick as she causes her bike to tear down the sidewalk at warp speed.  Hard to remember the tantrums and fears of June or even later in the summer after she had a pretty good crash.  She can do everything except advanced tricks and feels so at ease and again pedals like quite the little speed demon.  It made my heart happy to see her confidence and skill.  Daphne can do hard things.  I can do hard things.  We can accomplish hard things.  Remember.  The seemingly impossible becomes possible with persistent action and faith. 

 

Then, of course, we had to walk the dry (though a bit muddy in areas) ditch.  Daphne insisted I follow her through the culvert and, thus, I did, walking like a Frankenstein's monster to avoid getting wet shoes.  The light was golden and warm and almost surreal as we explored and identified which branch probably stabbed Matt in the back as he floated this summer and which large rocks my bum dragged on as I was tubing.  We even met a black cat ("like Pluto!") who was also exploring the empty ditch.  He didn't want to be our friend.  Daphne was extra thrilled when I suggested we go get her a corn dog and fries from Sonic before preschool, and it was a lucky day, a short line and fast service. 

As we had our little outing, I couldn't help but feel thankful, despite thinking whoa is me plenty over the years as I have worked from home and felt half-bad at work and half-good at mothering or vice-versa, I have had multiple opportunities to have the flexibility of enjoying these spontaneous times with my children.  I'm so thankful for that.  In a couple more years I will be tied down in the working world 9-10 months a year.  These golden mornings will no longer involve me and a Daphne or me and a Lily.  And it's an okay thing.  They'll all be in school, after all, but I'm sure there will be some kind of mourning period such as last pumpkin patch field trip, last first birthday (so many lasts), but there will be new wonderful things to move on to.  Nothing could take the place of being mom to babies, toddlers, and preschoolers, but seeing my kids grow, develop, conquer, be kind, and learn...heck, seeing me grow and learn and try to always be kinder...it certainly has its rewards, and I will look for new golden moments that look different but still beautiful and cherish memories of the old ones.

And maybe, just maybe, the weather will spill over into next week, and we can party some more...or at the very least enjoy the weather as we clean up tree this weekend.  I will share about that tomorrow or soon.

My New Favorite Book

I was totally gobsmacked when I fell in love with this book.  I mean I LOVE history, but to have enjoyed a historical narrative so much - who am I?

I can't perfectly put my finger on why I loved this.  I have read a fiction series which takes place at the same time, the main characters being a fictitious family interacting with the actual real-life people mentioned in this book.  I've read scriptural accounts of parts of this book.  I've read very dry histories and some journal excerpts.  But whoever came up with the brilliant idea of writing all of this information in a narrative history with any dialogue being actual quotes from people's journals so that there was nothing at all fictitious about it...golden!

Hmm.  How to get out everything that's in my heart in the few minutes I have before I need to sleep (because I haven't made the kids breakfast all week and I have to get up in time to make pancakes tomorrow)?

God's restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ through Joseph Smith as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is, as I said, a very familiar story to me.  It runs deep in my blood, in my heart and mind.  My mom may have had her oddities, but I am forever grateful that she drilled stories about my grandparents and great-grandparents and more random relations into my brain.  I know which relative signed the Declaration of Independence.  I know which ancestor had 6 wives.  I know which ancestors knew Joseph Smith - there's a story about a pocket watch and a horse.  And all these random bits and bobs are previous to me.

This book, besides reminding me of so many strong solid imperfect people, introduced me to perspectives and parts of this oh-so-familiar story I never knew before.  It reiterated to me that being good, following God, trying your hardest doesn't mean you don't sin, you don't make mistakes, you don't fail.  And all of that hit home on a personal level, so very hard it hit home.  

I love Joseph Smith, the first prophet of the restored gospel.  I've always loved him, and I've never been one of those people seeking out stories and fault finding with him.  Just no.  No need.  I get that he was uneducated and made mistakes (that makes me love him more), but I know he and his family were good people, honest people, seeking God through all their hardships and not losing site that He is what this life is all about, getting back to Him.  This book really helped me to know way more and I thought I knew all there was to know--not even close.  I could dive so much deeper going through the appendix of this bad boy, and maybe I will and maybe I won't.

As I excitedly read this book in record time (for me considering how busy I was with other things), two things hit me.  First, journaling.  And I can harp on this subject for way too long.  I have learned that the only way for me to know how far Marianne has come is to go back and read where she was.  Otherwise, I truly haven't a clue because I'm all over the place.  Without many people taking the time to journal their experiences and what they felt prompted to write down, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy this book; I wouldn't have the Bible, The Book of Mormon, any record of my ancestors.  Just journal people.  If my kids or grandkids read this someday, JOURNAL!!!  please

The second item was my testimony.  You know, I dread bearing my testimony in public because I go up.  I may or may not get out what my pounding heart wanted me to share, and then I get back to my seat rapido and feel all awkward.  I've always wondered why that is?  Is Satan trying to make me feel ashamed for sharing?  Did I legit flub it up that badly?  Do I feel like a doofus because I care more about what the people I shared with think of me than what God thinks?  I don't have that answer yet, but what I do know is I do have a testimony, about Jesus Christ, His love and sacrifice for all the people of this earth and the divinity of each of us as children of a Heavenly Father.  I know that God has given us prophets through the ages and that following the prophet can never be wrong as he is God's mouthpiece on earth.  I know that their are ordinances that are necessary to return back to our Father in Heaven, that once we have faith, the desire to repent and be clean that we can be baptized and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.  I know the importance of proper priesthood authority.  I know the power of temples, and I truly believe through temple ordinances I can be sealed to family forever (now whether they want to all be sealed together or to me is another matter).  I know that peace and strength and wholeness and happiness are available to every single human being through Jesus Christ.  There is power and strength in all the things I know to be true.  They give meaning to how I treat the people I love, the people I live with and near, and these truths affect how I view all my brothers and sisters on earth.  I want happiness.  I want peace.  Oh, don't get me wrong I would love some justice for those who do evil, kill, take pleasure in the grossest things, and use the innocent.  But I believe in a perfectly just, perfectly merciful higher being whom is the only one who can truly know each of our hearts and get it all right.  We all have too many flaws to give perfect justice or mercy.  I put my trust in God, not man.  I am so thankful for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, the fullness of the gospel brought to the earth as the time draws near for all of Israel to be gathered.  Our world is getting crazier, ready or not, and I want to stand in Holy Places and be holier, even though I am so not cream of the crop, nothing special, just plain old me.  But I do know plain old me can do some good, and I'll be pleased with that.

I have to say I am all for accepting differences, and ask anyone who knows me, I won't exclude you as my friend because you believe, look, feel or think differently than me-no way-not who I am.  But I think one of the hardest things for me to take living at this time is the struggles of those who have shared or sort of shared my faith, but feel uncertain or have left The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints altogether.  Sometimes I understand their reasons; sometimes I don't, but I feel worried for them.  I want them to have happiness.  I want them to have strength and peace.  I love them.  And I just worry.  I think back to several years ago when I had enough going wrong in life and felt hopeless enough and questioned decisions I thought God had directed me to make and questioned if all my effort was worth it to go to church and 'fake it until you make it' (possibly my least favorite phrase ever).  There was a lot going on.  My heart felt broken.  I felt so confused.  I felt so hurt.  I felt SOOOOO alone.  I would sometimes go to church and just cry.  Imagine trying to each a YW lesson and just crying from a heavy burdent but not feeling able to talk to anyone, get questions answered, get comfort.  I didn't know where to turn, and sometimes I felt even too humiliated to talk to God about all of it.  Was he even there and why was he letting all of this happen?  I thought about my children, my marriage, my choices.  I realized I did have a testimony, some things I knew beyond nearly all doubt were true.  I realized my anger and pity were probably the main thing blocking me from feeling Jesus's outstretched arms because he was there.  And I committed to myself that no matter what anyone else did or said or didn't do or didn't say, I was going to be active and try harder.  And I've messed up a lot ever since then, every day, but just making that choice, realizing what I already knew, instead of ruminating on all the answers I didn't have, and holding tight to what I know to be true while trying my darnedest to add light and truth to that little orb of hope has kept me going.  And you know what?  The more I turn to God and do my basics (which you wouldn't think would make a big difference) and the more I cry out to Him, the more I see little miracles (tiny though they may be) and me getting stronger (as painfully slow as that might be) even as life gets more complicated, more ridiculous and silly, more dramatic (teenagers and stuff), and more full of a huge list of things I don't think I can possibly ever do that I actually get done.  My progress is comically slow.  I slip off the path on occasion.  More often I just plop down in the middle of the path hoping someone will carry me for awhile.  Would you believe they never do?  But there is always a hand to pull be back up, an arm around my shoulder to urge me forward when I decide, yes, I will go on.  Yes, I want to enlarge my soul, and I will do what it takes.  So I will keep trying.  And now I know instead of fussing about why me, I realize God can use any experience good or bad we have here on earth, whether our fault, someone else's fault, just happened because this is life, or maybe something special He made just for us, to help us grow closer to Him, better, stronger, more empathetic.  He asks what feels like a lot from us but gives so much more back...every....single....time.

And for anyone who reads this, I want you to know that there is room in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for anyone and everyone on earth.  It's a place for imperfect people, though, and there are definitely a lot of quirky and then some less charming cultural issues that we've got to work on so that all feel welcome all the time, but if the people were perfect and the church was perfect, we'd all get translated straight up to heaven and be like, "See ya, suckers!  Bless you all."  And that's not happening.  But all are welcome.  Just ask questions, clarify, have some faith, call people on their hurtful behaviors and then forgive as soon as possible.  Above all, I think what I remind myself quite often when I have questions about doctrine or when I feel hurt by someone who is supposed to be a fellow disciple of Christ (and the thing I would say to anyone else) would be Christ is the perfect one.  He is who we look to, who we worship, who we try to follow and emulate, so if you keep your eye on Him and don't worry about how you measure up to Sally or Sonny or Sue and don't judge how Pete or Pasternak are doing things-just love them for Pete's (and Pasternak's) sake, you'll be okay.  You'll find you receive strength when you just try to love.  The 'unlovables' are the ones who sometimes need it the most...so hard but so important.  And don't trust the internet or some ticked off lunatic to give you truth.  Trust the Holy Ghost, totally available from a loving Father to help anyone learn what is true and receive answers to questions.  

If you have any questions about my above thoughts, comment and I will reply...unless you are a punk, and then I won't reply but will still love you.  And if you read this when I am 100 and dead, I also will not reply...hauntings are a possibility, but I will have to look at my schedule.

Shoulder to the wheel people, shoulder to the wheel, with a chocolate or yoga break as necessary.

Where to even begin? No idea.

Let's begin at the very beginning...a very good place to start.  WRONG!!!  We will start at the end (actually the present) and work our way back through the past 5ish months.

Daphne and I went to Linder Farms with her preschool class today.  END OF AN ERA.  I've gone with all my kids for preschool, and it's all over.  She had fun, was jumping and running and sliding and chatting with friends.  Pretty good time.  Side note:  I took scissors to my hair starting Friday night through Sunday.  I just didn't like my hair cut...see picture below, and though I'm no pro, I will rock bangs for a while now I think.  Something exciting needs to happen as I grow my hair out.  Daphne is very impatient about the process.  I remember wanting my mom to have long hair when I was little for me to play with and style.  I'm trying, DG, I'm trying.  I'm even taking biotin and singing to it.

I had to put this picture in just because it gives me the warmest of fuzzies and lots of excitement about the coming year.  The children were gathered in my room talking about this and that after church on Sunday.  They are magnificent in their quirky, why, how, what in the world ways.  I look forward to stepping it up in how we approach family time on the sabbath and other days of the week, in taking more time to teach them because I want them to have rock solid testimonies show that when their faith shakers come, they say, nope, sorry Satan, and can keep going, through hardship, through mistakes and heartache and repentance and the calm times and happy times when it is so easy to get distracted or mix up your priorities.

Then we have creepy cat.  The cats became obsessed with my shoe area of our closet last week.  I pulled out every bag and box and nothing suspicious.  Maybe I stepped in some catnip or maybe Piper could just hear spiders in the floorboards.  No idea, but she looked at me like I was invading her room and not vice-versa when I caught her in this photo.

Bucket list item.  Family bike ride.  We were missing Lucas, but I figure take them a time or two without him so we can work out the kinks.  If we don't work out some kinks, he may never come with us again.

And it went pretty well.

Mostly well.

The first half went really well.

But time was limited before I had to work and on the way back 2 little souls got so, so tired and hungry and they nearly died.  Wolves might have been chasing us.  Shawn's bike might have been too small.  He may have only eaten a donut and a few meals so far that day and, yep, it was pretty much the end.

Until it wasn't and we all made it home.  Keep in mind I had to make 2 trips to the river and 2 trips back with all the bikes and children that I own and love, respectively.

Said haircut.  Like the color is darker and different, plus highlights.  That part's okay, but last time I got sidebangs I loved it.  This time they were all on one side, none on the other and with my hair back (I almost always have mom hair due to cooking and cleaning and don't care), it looked like poof on one side and severe on the other.  So snippety, snippety.  I felt maybe like 1% Brittney Spears as I chopped away at 12:30 a.m. one night.  Is this a good idea?  But I like my bangs.  I like how they make my eyes a feature and make me look quite different and maybe a bit younger.  Fingers crossed.

Not that I'm afraid of getting old...

And Lily's got all these fun birthdays to look forward to.  She also got her patriarchal blessing around her birthday.  One of THE most spiritual experiences in my life, certainly more spiritual than receiving mine.  I could feel God's love for her.  I could feel the Savior's love for her, and I have no doubt they were there through the presence of the Holy Ghost.  I need to remember that day and that blessing when I get eye rolls and drama and it's the end of the world and general displeasure.  Because this girl is amazing, has always been amazing and has so much potential and so much to look forward too.  How did I get to be her mom???

And the day of Lily's birthday was Wagon's Ho.  I did this for Lily's class and loved it, so I came back for more.  (Sorry Matthew, mommy loves you.)

Lucas went on a guy's trip to SLC and it was great to have a break until waiting for him to get back on Sunday was torture and so I took all willing souls to my happy river place (WHICH SOME MONSTERS HAVE BEEN LITTERING IN.  WHY??????).  They were totes adorbs playing and enjoying.  Lily and I did have to have a discussion about how me feeling zen while lying on a tree trunk looking at sky and tree branches is a-ok even though her zen is splashing in water.  We all have our own zens.  Respect the zen.  Respect it.

Shawn watching those water skater bugs, dozens of them.  Wheee.















Matt moved up a rank in scouts.  I truly don't see Eagle in our future, but I see a boy who is learning a lot and I see a troop who takes the time to treat him with respect even though they could care less about the book he read or the facts he knows.  They are really into sports and being active.  Matt is really into not that stuff, but he has learned so much about horsing around and pranks and jokes and including and being included despite everyone being very different, and it makes me proud of those guys and proud of him.

Daphne's first day of preschool.  She was ready.  Her favorite little school friend right now is Adeline.  And she just loves school, even though she is very tired afterward.  Teacher Diane is the best.  That woman is so full of love and has touched so many lives.  Glad Daphne gets to be a part of her class this year.

Look at that look of utter satisfaction.  Daddy's girl.  I love her face.

And I love that she conquered bike riding.  We went from both of us thinking she (let's be honest, it's a team effort) wasn't going to make it happen this summer, to her thinking she couldn't, to her being proud she could sort of do stuff, to her being able to do EVERYTHING and hold her own on that greenbelt ride with her tiny-diameter tires.  She is a rockstar.  Fashionistas can be super tough and strong, definitely not just a pretty face.

And this, this would be me.  I had to do a profile picture for my EdTech 202 class...20 pictures later.  It was a rough first week and then it's been okay ever since.  I can do this.  I can do this well...mostly.

Last hurrah of floating DeMeyer for the summer.  So glad we got to share it with some of the best friends ever.  I do not want them to move.  I do not want them to move.  Such great parents and such great kids.  Wherever they live, their neighbors are lucky because they are friendly to EVERYONE and not superficial friendly, legitimately care.  I love them very much even though I'm not a woman who rocks at expressing her feelings to non-family members.

At 7th grade registration, Matthew happened upon a free old library book shelf.

This one's just because.  You're welcome.

Aunt JaNiece let us borrow her hotel pool for a few days.  I enjoyed the wonderful early morning time we had to walk and talk along the river, despite the smoke from so many range fires and despite the sleep deprivation.  Precious time.  I look forward to any chance she has to come.

We spent a lot of time at DeMeyer this summer between ditch time and bike practice.

Visited ye olde alma mater and BAM with the kids as we needed to visit an art museum for matt's merit badge.

Oh Shawn.  It was his birthday and his present to himself was stitches right when we were about to light the candles and sing.  Cake was delayed as they went to urgent care.  Staples.  Blech.  What a trooper though.  He is a tough boy.  He just made the best of it.

And 3 days before that, we celebrated 17 years together.  Probably deserves it's own post.  Maybe some day.  I do need to write about marriage but that will take some thought coalescing.

Love when Lily is big sister extraordinaire.

We had our small town Fourth of July fabulousness (with no misguided car driving practice ideas on my part and thus a safe sane trip).

Extra special this time, we rode THE GHOST TRAIN.  Shawn's dreams fulfilled, pretty much.  Dirt the Cat was a delight as we toured the engine house afterward.

And the beginning of the trip meant time with Lucas's dad, Grandpa Terry.

Which involved feeding ducks.

And I always love the time the kids get with Grandma and Grandpa (and the thought they put into this special time we have...it means everything) and Sam and Jon and J.T.  The best all around.

READING IS LIFE.  At least in this house.  Along with the little ones, I learned that like my river (and other) walks, recreational reading is soul-giving to me.  I'm trying to eke out time for that but I really laid it on thick this summer before I started school.  Yes.  I laid it on thick.

Below:  A phone but still reading, right?  RIGHT?

The raspberry bushes I didn't have to work for thanks to the neighbors.  Just grew right into our yard and they were delicious.  I hope even more grow next year.

Swim lessons.  If we took swim lessons as hard as I made them practice bikes, maybe we'd having swimming superstars.  GOALS.

Matt's half at Red Robin.

My mom.  There's another post.  I helped clean her apartment this spring and summer, and now she has moved into a care center where she got rehabilitated after, apparently, having a stroke we missed months ago.  I'm glad she's doing better and has a social life and yet I miss having longer conversations with her.  It will be good to visit her next month with Lucas and the kids.

Ben photo as there appears to be a shortage of those.  He's always running around doing who knows what..in mostly entertaining non-criminal ways.

Lucas's decided (with good reason) we needed MORE DISHES and so he got a set of service of 12 and silverware set service of 16.  It's the little things.

Beginning of the summer, still flooding fun of river walks.

Daphne playing Nerf guns at Jump Time with her beau.

And how this all started was with an extra wet spring (which turned into an outrageously dry summer) with a plethora of rainbows and dancing in the rain for these 3 amigos.

I am going to try to be more religious about posting here.  It is good to look back and see growth and thought processes and good and bad and ugly (some of my rants).