I have gradually accepted over the last few months (and am OH SO THANKFUL for the fact) that I have been having a slow transition from my old life to a new one. The important things are still the biggest part of my life:
But my life is ever so sneakily morphing into something new. I will not hash out a long tale because I imagine I've written about it on here before, but I thought for sure I'd work a few years as a medical transcriptionist, and then, BAM, stay at home mom/homemaker for life. As the years progressed and more and more babies came with no sign of not working, I felt a lot of things-thankful for a husband who works hard and has a steady job, thankful that I had a source of income to support our sorta big (by today's American standard) family, but also desperate, hopeless, and very WHY ME? about the whole situation. This was not my plan. This was not the life I had expected to find myself living. Over a period of two to three very hard years, I came to realize that God had different things in store for me. Sometimes I was excited about those things; sometimes I was bitter. Now sometimes I get very excited about those things, and sometimes I am terrified.
I sought to know what God wanted me to do. Well, let's be honest; I begged for a way out of what I felt was an unbearable situation (hey, we all can feel a little dramatic about somethings in life). And with searching and mental/emotional labor on my part, I found a way out that felt right. It has not been easy, and it is certainly not dreamy, and, for all I know, maybe it's not a for-20-years thing, but I hope it is.
So now I am mid transition. I started a bit over a year ago by taking 1 class online while still editing part time. Then I took three classes, all on campus. I had a summer class, 2 major tests and then an actual summer break with some fabulous times.
Now, I am taking four classes and have applied for my Professional Year (terrifying!!! absolutely terrifying). I will be interning in the spring and student teaching in the fall. I have added subbing to my routine and that can go pretty well or feel like a flaming bag of dog doo, but I feel I've learned a lot about different school vibes and some things I would and would not do in my classroom. I've learned middle school IS a possibility. I've loved subbing for EL and other students in middle school, am even going to try Matt's math class next week. Yikes!
And in His truly tender way, God has eased me into all this madness and seen me through so far, making me think He will support out the other side and in whatever comes next. He has given Lucas the desire and ability to really support me at home and with the kids, which I am so fortunate in; not every husband's schedule would allow it. Heavenly Father has given me this desire to do what scares me. The fear doesn't really go away, but I have gotten really good at just barging into the situations and trying my best to pretend (and occasionally actually knowing) I know what I'm doing. God's tender love and my Savior's tender love for me have enabled me to do this because on my own I would not, could not, no way, no how, and I am most thankful for their help and love.
And today, I am thankful for this transition. Despite 4 classes and subbing, I have a little time each week to be the woman I naturally thought I would be all along. I got a batch of applesauce started, made myself a healthy breakfast and started some laundry. I think old Marianne would have been a pretty great full-time homemaker (though she would never feel as passionate about cleaning as she should), but I have a pretty strong belief now that she would have been depressed more than is healthy sometimes, shut herself away from opportunities and let her shyness and introversion take over. That's why I think Heavenly Father let me get into the position I thought was unbearable, so I would find a way to dig myself out, and, with Him, I did and I have.
And now, newish Marianne (who is still the same old Marianne in almost every way) is bolder, more well spoken, braver, friendlier, and more confident than she once was. I am so thankful for that because I am going to need to have a voice, strength of purpose, and endless determination and resourcefulness where I'm headed. Do I feel ready? No. Will I make a million mistakes moving forward? Oh yes. But will God help me to do what I need to do? Yes. Will He help me to keep my dear Lucas and my most precious children at the forefront of my mind rather than letting my career or my selfish desires put them down lower on my list? Yes, He will, as long as I call on Him and seek Him, and that is my plan.
I just had to say hello, though, on this beautiful JUST A MOM morning because even though I don't get to have the life I wanted, this transition time has some pretty wonderful precious moments that I will not have in another year, so I am thanking God for them while they last.
