Spontaneity and December

At the end of November...

 Lily got her hair cut and has been loving it.  And we got a decent little snow while Sam, Jon and Jonny were visiting.  Shawn went out and made a snowman in the dark.  We went bowling as a big family.  And we (mostly Lucas with some help from Matt and I) got our office remodel started a couple of years ago 98% finished (shelving).

This is the Mayan calendar we got for our wedding date when we were in Playa del Carmen for a cruise excursion.  It now has a place in our office, along with some photos of Lucas and I on a few of our adventures (which he wrapped up as a Christmas present announcing taking me on a trip at my convenience).

Ben the party planner asked if he could please do a Christmas party for boys and girls, and so we did that early in December before the hoopla of the holidays got too intense.

 We also had a perfectly simple (probably not for the planners) ward holiday breakfast.  You can see shy Shawn off to the left and shy Daphne as the tallest in the front row, but they got up there and sang!!!  Ben is officially too cool to sing with the primary even though he has a whole year left before going into YM. 

Ben the entrepreneur also has a publishing company at school.  He designed a logo and a mascot.  When I subbed in his classroom the last day of school I saw the advertisements he'd posted for help wanted and for people to order comics.  Cute!

 Matt turned 14.  He's such a fun kid.  Old enough for facial hair which mortifies him when we point it out (I'm trying to stop) but so sweet and loving.  I'm hoping boys don't dislike their parents quite as much as girls do during the teenage years (personal experience-I realize some people have kids who always think they're great).

 Daphne and Shawn playing with some leftovers from Ben's party.  Cute little Santa and elf.

 Grandma Laura and Grandpa Jim came and brought lots of presents.  Grandma EVEN crocheted Daphne's kitty a dress and blanket which is pretty impressive considering the visit was less than 24 hours.  Their visit this year was a breath of fresh air during a very difficult month or two.  It kind of felt like a grand kickoff to being almost to Christmas (though I still had a few more days until I was on break).

 During December I would wrap myself in a blanket on the couch early in the morning and read the Book of Mormon by the light of the Christmas tree.  So peaceful and centering-too bad I've given it up the last 5 days for sleeping in.  Still might have a day or 2 before we take the tree down so I can revel a bit more in the great feelings it let me have when I was just wiped out and sad.

 Just a random picture of Daphne dressing up as a sunbather, Moana, foxy tailed creation.  Oh Daphne, this was the month we finally, FINALLY got your baby book done.  Happy dance! 

 Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning:

 Ben, where are you???  He's just out of the frame.

It was a nice Christmas with perhaps too many presents (not because of Lucas and I😼), but the kids had a wonderful time and have had a lot to keep them occupied.  But being as they are kids, they still manage to be bored too, of course.  We were thankful for all the love and friendship shown through cards, treats, fun and meaningful presents, and phone calls.

Before I write the spontaneous part of this post, I just have to share a silly but not silly Christmas morning experience:  I had my first present from Laura and Jim on my lap to open, and when it was my turn I ripped open the paper and saw a set of teacher stamps.  Emotion overcame me and I actually cried over a Christmas present.  This is not my MO, not at all.  I cry but not over presents, but there I was crying with my first present of the morning.  I sort of wanted to ask for teacher stuff for Christmas so that I am prepared when I get a real job, but I had no idea what to ask for.  I don't know my grade level.  I don't know what I'll need.  Just a bunch of unknowns, so I didn't say a word.  So it was really neat that Laura got me something teacher related that will be perfect no matter what I teach.  Not only that, but having a tangible item that I will use when I teach made it seem real.  I don't know why but all this sacrifice from me, Lucas, and in some ways the kids, all the worrying about if I'm being a good enough mom while I'm a student, if I am actually doing the right thing, if I will ever make it, all of that just kind of crescendoed into tears as I realized it's not forever away.  I have spring, fall and then I will be certified, even if it takes me another half year to get hired.  I can do it this.  I will do this.  And, most importantly, even though this was not my plan, even though this does not fit what I (and many) have labeled as what I ideally should be doing with my life right now as a Christian mother, I have felt time and again (between all the doubts and fears) that this is right, that there are reasons for me to be doing this, reasons for myself and for my future pupils and co-workers.  I don't have answers, but Christmas morning made me realize how much I want this and am excited (again, mixed with all the doubts and fears).

SPONTANEITY:  So with 5 children, a few of which become easily anxious, we aren't the most spontaneous people.  But, Friday after Christmas Lucas said, hey, we should go visit your family in Tooele, UT.  Specifically, Dear Aunt Ja was hit by a car a week and a half ago and we have been concerned and wanted to see her, but also she was at my sister Meredith's house, along with Marc and 3 out of 4 nieces and nephews.  I said sure, so we planned to go the next morning.  Lily was not sure, go, don't go, go, don't go, and she decided to stay and take care of pets.  The other kids were shocked by the concept of just taking off but the youngest three are pretty go with the flow, so taking our time, off we went.  It was a fun quick trip.  We ate out, reconnected, planned for the family's 2020 which really needs to be more organized and intentional given my professional year and Lucas working at home.  We swam a lot in our hotel pool.  Lucas is so fun to watch with the kids!  I am not a swimming queen but practiced my front glides and did some elementary back stroke.  We played Marco Polo, did one chicken fight and Lucas launched Ben and Shawn quite a few times.  It was just fun and relaxing.  And it was great to see poor Ja who I am wishing the quickest healing and lots of car rides for until she can drive.  We had fun with Mere/Marc, Olivia, Megan, and Ryan.  Meredith made a yummy dinner and it was way worth the spontaneity.  We decided we need to do it more.  Oh, and even though I didn't love much of the stormy snowy drive home, it could have been much worse and God kept us safe.

Life is so different from a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago, and I am seeing that most of those times that seem too crazy or too imperfect, in one way or another are the best of times, so it's important to find the beauty and gratitude we can muster for the times we are in.  I find myself looking fondly on times that weren't that great at the time, if that makes sense, so I have to assume that right now, in all its at times raw and ugly, will someday be precious to me.  Hopefully, I can blog even once a month like i did last month and this one because all the journaling I can must between written and typed is one of the greatest gifts I can give myself (and hopefully my posterity).

Transitioning

Sometimes when I substitute in a Resource Room, the person giving me instructions will say, "So and so has a hard time with transitions," meaning when it's time to switch class or change from one activity to another, it's a struggle for this kiddo.

I have gradually accepted over the last few months (and am OH SO THANKFUL for the fact) that I have been having a slow transition from my old life to a new one.  The important things are still the biggest part of my life:

But my life is ever so sneakily morphing into something new.  I will not hash out a long tale because I imagine I've written about it on here before, but I thought for sure I'd work a few years as a medical transcriptionist, and then, BAM, stay at home mom/homemaker for life.  As the years progressed and more and more babies came with no sign of not working, I felt a lot of things-thankful for a husband who works hard and has a steady job, thankful that I had a source of income to support our sorta big (by today's American standard) family, but also desperate, hopeless, and very WHY ME? about the whole situation. This was not my plan.  This was not the life I had expected to find myself living.  Over a period of two to three very hard years, I came to realize that God had different things in store for me.  Sometimes I was excited about those things; sometimes I was bitter.  Now sometimes I get very excited about those things, and sometimes I am terrified.

I sought to know what God wanted me to do.  Well, let's be honest; I begged for a way out of what I felt was an unbearable situation (hey, we all can feel a little dramatic about somethings in life).  And with searching and mental/emotional labor on my part, I found a way out that felt right.  It has not been easy, and it is certainly not dreamy, and, for all I know, maybe it's not a for-20-years thing, but I hope it is.

So now I am mid transition.  I started a bit over a year ago by taking 1 class online while still editing part time.  Then I took three classes, all on campus.  I had a summer class, 2 major tests and then an actual summer break with some fabulous times.

Now, I am taking four classes and have applied for my Professional Year (terrifying!!!  absolutely terrifying).  I will be interning in the spring and student teaching in the fall.  I have added subbing to my routine and that can go pretty well or feel like a flaming bag of dog doo, but I feel I've learned a lot about different school vibes and some things I would and would not do in my classroom.  I've learned middle school IS a possibility.  I've loved subbing for EL and other students in middle school, am even going to try Matt's math class next week.  Yikes!

And in His truly tender way, God has eased me into all this madness and seen me through so far, making me think He will support out the other side and in whatever comes next.  He has given Lucas the desire and ability to really support me at home and with the kids, which I am so fortunate in; not every husband's schedule would allow it.  Heavenly Father has given me this desire to do what scares me.  The fear doesn't really go away, but I have gotten really good at just barging into the situations and trying my best to pretend (and occasionally actually knowing) I know what I'm doing.  God's tender love and my Savior's tender love for me have enabled me to do this because on my own I would not, could not, no way, no how, and I am most thankful for their help and love.

And today, I am thankful for this transition.  Despite 4 classes and subbing, I have a little time each week to be the woman I naturally thought I would be all along.  I got a batch of applesauce started, made myself a healthy breakfast and started some laundry.  I think old Marianne would have been a pretty great full-time homemaker (though she would never feel as passionate about cleaning as she should), but I have a pretty strong belief now that she would have been depressed more than is healthy sometimes, shut herself away from opportunities and let her shyness and introversion take over.  That's why I think Heavenly Father let me get into the position I thought was unbearable, so I would find a way to dig myself out, and, with Him, I did and I have.  

And now, newish Marianne (who is still the same old Marianne in almost every way) is bolder, more well spoken, braver, friendlier, and more confident than she once was.  I am so thankful for that because I am going to need to have a voice, strength of purpose, and endless determination and resourcefulness where I'm headed.  Do I feel ready?  No.  Will I make a million mistakes moving forward?  Oh yes.  But will God help me to do what I need to do?  Yes.  Will He help me to keep my dear Lucas and my most precious children at the forefront of my mind rather than letting my career or my selfish desires put them down lower on my list?  Yes, He will, as long as I call on Him and seek Him, and that is my plan.

I just had to say hello, though, on this beautiful JUST A MOM morning because even though I don't get to have the life I wanted, this transition time has some pretty wonderful precious moments that I will not have in another year, so I am thanking God for them while they last.

Now's as good a time as any

It's a good time to stop and take a deep breath.  I am working on homework for one of my four grad classes this semester.  I substitute taught for kindergarten (unexpectedly, I was supposed to be a para) this afternoon, and I am excited for a day 'off" which will involve staying home all day if possible (!!!) folding laundry and watching movies, followed by cake, ice cream and chocolates.  I know how to live it up Marianne-style and I am looking forward to it.  I also plan on putting away clutter in my room and putting on fresh sheets tonight so I can feel zen in the morning.

My life is crazy right now, though, and I think I probably would have said that for most of my decades on earth.  It just doesn't ease up, and if it is about to, then I get dissatisfied and problematize and look where I'm at.  I am certainly leaning heavily upon my Heavenly Father and Savior to get through things right now.  We have a lot going on at our house and in our family, and I don't get to stop and think too hard about it...No, I just keep going and think about it in the small spaces of time I'm driving or lawn mowing or falling asleep or waking up.

But right now, as I avoid reading yet another peer-review article for yet another class's reading response, I want to remember some of the beauty and loveliness in my life at the moment.

EARLIER, the rain was pouring and Daph and Shawn asked to play outside in the puddles.  They donned rain jackets which we had gotten for the Oregon Coast and never had to use.  Shawn carried his $3 Target umbrella I purchased him last spring.  They played in the street gutters, Shawn in light blue and Daphne in yellow (duck), splashing and hollering.  Lucas called me to come watch.  I grabbed my phone after I saw their darlingness, but by then they had moved far enough away my phone would have gotten rained on while snapping a shot.  I should have just drank in that perfection and gone to stood in the rain-no pics necessary.  Soon Lily had to get in on the action because she cannot stand to be inside when there are puddles.  Bless the child in that very teenage brain/body who wanted to come out to play.  She took her sister across the street to where she knew there were even deeper puddles.  They came home soaked.

BEN has the longest hair a boy of mine has ever had, probably the longest a boy in our extended family has ever had.  His personality, blonde hair and blue eyes just delight me.  That boy can just get away with a little more than he should, and I can't figure out why, but I love the odd one out element he brings to our family with his surfer dude casualness.

CHICKENS are way more fun than I would have imagined.  Our four chickens are laying machines.  I love those girls very much.  You give them so little and they lay their hearts out, and I do appreciate that they speak up if they need to remind you of something like if Ben forgot to refill their water or if they are out of food.  Fascinating little dinosaurs (as Lucas would say).

CUDDLES with Lucas in the early morning hours as I try to coax myself to wake up.  I have been so worried about him lately as he doesn't feel good, and it feels so nice to just be in his arms and feel his warmth and know that at least that is okay even if everything else is not.

DAPHNE cuddles are also a part of the mornings when I don't have to head out to class or a sub job.  Having her gone all day is convenient but, my goodness, it doesn't feel good to think she is in a screaming crazy mob all day.  She is definitely learning a lot and seems happy, but I don't want her to grow up too fast or miss out on anything she should have had.  Cuddles with her have been grounding since she was so wee, and I will miss those as she grows up and doesn't think they're the best thing ever anymore.

ELL substituting was the highlight of my short subbing career so far.  I loved those kids.  I see a possible future there, and it gave me hope for where I might fit into a school system.

RIVER WALKS.  I know.  Shocker.  They are few right now, but they have been life affirming.

I LOVE TO SEE THE TEMPLE and go inside and be reminded that Heavenly Father and Jesus have my back.  They are here.  They are with me daily, every minute.  They will not let me fail at anything I'm not supposed to fail at, and they will love me just the same and pick me back up when I do fail.  What comfort, and how important to remember the BIG, BIG eternal picture which is exactly what the temple does for me every time.

FAMILY.  I love my sisters and brother, mom and dad, and, most dearly, I love my husband and children.  I sometime wish, but am overcoming it, that life were different and I was the SAHM of my dreams, lavishing love and nurture upon our home and my children every hour they were home.  I have never been that mom 100%.  I regret that, but I don't know that with this husband and these kids that my life could have ever been different or that it was supposed to be.  My kids mean everything to me.  My husband is someone I want to hold on tight to and never let go...except, you know, sometimes because space is good now and then.  I want so much to do right by them all, and it's not easy.  It's another thing I have to rely on the Lord for, to guide me, to let me know when someone is struggling, and to remind me that even though I have so much on my plate personally/professionally, they are why I'm here and why I'm doing this.  I love them.  I can't wait until our next adventure together, and I will commit to making the day-to-day better and more adventurous too because we've been known to get into ruts which can be quite boring.

SO do I feel life is beautiful right now...I don't know...it's so intense and the lovely moments are so sought for but sparse, but I have seen some beautiful amidst my mess plenty enough lately, and for those times I am grateful.

Is it officially summer, yet?

Not to complain, but I am so nervous about my PRAXIS II tests this week-first my Biology Content Knowledge (which it would be a miracle if I passed) and then, second, my Elementary Core 4-part test.  I really, really want a 5 full weeks before fall semester where I don't have to study one little bit for anything...just time at parks with the kids, playing board games, getting some deep housecleaning done.  If I don't pass, it will mean more studying AND taking the tests once the semester has started.  Ugh.  And I'd like to say it's up to Heavenly Father, but it is up to how well my brain retained study information and IF I even studied enough and the right things.  Sigh.  I need to do a bit of writing about some of what's happened in 2019 so far, but that will have to wait because this week is swim lessons for B and S, study, study, test take, test take, other household stuff and then immediately off to Beehive Camp (which will be a new adventure as I've never gone to any overnight camp as a leader.