A Little Christmas Cheer - I LOVE KIDS!

Brief because I've no time but:

An Instagram friend (CardiganEmpire) posted what her 3-year-old little boy said after seeing the mall Santa.  "Him had a white beard, and him had his red dress-up on, but him did not say, 'Ho, ho, ho!'"  That has brought a smile to my face all day.  Kids are always thinking.

In our family prayer tonight, Shawn prayed, "Please bless that we can have a lovely Christmas Eve and please bless that we can have a lovely Christmas Day."  I have to think that a 5-year-old boy who uses the word lovely, especially in a prayer, must have some fine parentage!  *wink*

They are bouncing off the walls 'round here this week, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  On a long drive which involved several errands and some car-bound kids, Lily, Ben and Shawn started singing a Christmas song, and Daphne said, "You guys are going to make me SCREAM!"  Sometimes she thinks she is the only one allowed to sing, make a racket, own me as a mom...you know, the usual.

In a lot of ways, though not all, it is indeed the MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!!!

Boo2016 Especially for Grandma

Ah, what can I say about Halloween this year.  Nearly a week out I can say NO MORE CANDY!!!  These kids have been emotional messes this week.  Thanks a lot, Sugar!  I think we shall take a different approach next year, even if it is less fun.

 But other than the griping, I do get excited about Halloween - the beautiful holiday that takes virtually no planning and is just a few hours of fun, fun, fun.  Granted, getting ready was complete madness, but we did okay, and I am endlessly thankful for not-super-complicated

 Lily was a beautiful cat.  We curled her hair and tried some makeup techniques to make her look extra catty.

 Matt was Dendrosaur, a monster from a game he plays called Monster Legends.  He is notorious (to his father and me) for picking obscure characters to dress up as.  Easy costume, though.  We just needed green, lots of green.  I bought him a cheap dinosaur tail to make it a bit more exciting.

Shawn was a pteradactyl.  So Bro's green jacket, plastic dino hat that barely (BARELY) survived the previous week, and some dino fabric and safety pins for wings (he totally let me get away with that), and he was quite pleased.  As I type, he informs me he wanted a green face, too.  Whoops.

 And here is our lovely red panda, his favorite animal, the cutest animal ever, the best animal ever -- you get the idea.  Dad did a great job doing Ben's face paint, but it was very hard to keep it on after it was done.  He also got a tail (fox, actually) to be more legit.  Yay again for non-type-A Halloweeners

And you can't see it in any pictures but Daphne (who wanted to be an elephant but was coerced at times into being a princess by her sister) was a Princess Elephant.  She had a tutu on with her elephant costume (100 bonus points for warmth. princesses get way too cold in those slinky little numbers), and she had a tiara.  That girl was on fire.  She lasted longer than some of her siblings.  She wouldn't even take a potty break.  "Candy!  More candy!" ................................

Which was cute the night of Halloween, but has gotten really old as it has been chanted, screamed, whispered and demanded in tormenting fits every day, multiple times a day, for the last 6 days.  Excuse me while I go get a Tylenol.  *sobbing in angst*

Messy

That's life.  I get it, BUT I don't always like it.

I have remnants of Halloween carnivaling and costume planning scattered here and there in the house.  Putting things away doesn't seem to be anybody's strong point.

Then there has been operation fall harvest which involved apple picking, along with lots of unplanned plums getting picked.  That means my kitchen has had a food dehydrator running every other day for a couple of weeks.  I can't stand letting it run every day.  The white noise apparently isn't my jam.  Then I made crockpot applesauce while the dehydrator was running...bye bye counter space.  Finally, today I said to myself, "Enough is enough!", and I finished off the beasties with 3 batchs of fruit rolls/leather and 5 pints of plum jam.  All the apples and plums conquered at least.  Yippee!  I can reclaim my kitchen and my garage.

But then there is the problem of a 5 and 2 year old who think room cleaning might literally kill them but who have no problem dragging out ALL THE THINGS.  I tried to take control of that this week but clearing about 75% of the toys out of their room and 99% of the books.  We will see if they can handle their clothes and the few toys left, and then perhaps I will release the toys from the food/storage room back into the wild (of their bedroom) every so gradually.  Whew!

 But on problem that will never get solved as long as there are so many people in our house is laundry.  I have a wonky dryer which takes 2x through to get a full load of laundry completely dry.  I have a diva toddler/preschooler who tears through clothing at an alarming rate, and no one likes to pick it up or wash it bedsides me.  Lily does her own washing, but there are always at least 2 baskets of laundry ready to fold 6 days a week.  Like most household tasks, it is never ending.  Thus, the messy life.

And I have only really talked about the house.  We won't delve into trying to balance church calling, each child's needs, a busy husband, school volunteering, work, and all the other tasks.  Messy.  I used to be early and on time everywhere, but with several personalities, none of which is very type A, to cater to as we go about our days, I have started to pitifully cram as much into every chunk of time that I can to get caught up on To-Do's which makes me a few minutes late to everything.  If I had kids before I was married, I would have been late to my wedding...and honeymoon...

Don't get me wrong.  I do love the reasons for the messes.  My kids had a blast at that carnival, and I love taking them trick-or-treating.  I'm a bit hard core.  The apples and plums were so fun to pick, especially with Ja who can egg me on to do stuff I would not do if she wasn't there.  And I love storing up food for my family to enjoy later.  That's why Dad used to call me Domesticus!  Our kids are blessed to have toys, and they have enjoyed all the ones I packed away at one time or another, and we are all blessed I have clothes because, well...we are all blessed...and to not have to wash by hand or hang on a clothesline in chilly weather.

It just gets messy, and the messy house is the part the gets to me most because I am here a lot, and if I'm in the wrong mood, the messes all over the house can seem like evidence that make me feel convicted of a crime.  Not sure what.  Failure to make a home completely pleasant and unsticky? Failure to notice a half eaten apple was left on the coffee table since last night?  Maybe not punishable by jail time, but those things can make me feel quite guilty even if it isn't declared by a jury.

Messy, messy life.   And here is my littlest (sometimes loveliest) mess-maker.

She is the main toy tornado, potty-training uh-ohs, crazy hair don't care, food everywhere person in my life.  I know there must be opposition in all things, and so the opposite of DG orchestrating her crazy daily disasters would probably be the fact that my heart aches with love for her each morning when I get up.  Her smile or goofy face or even her silly tantrums (#5 causes quite the different reaction in me that #1) just thrill me.  We created this.  God gave us this girl.  My life may be as messy as they come, but there is a lot of beauty behind each and every single mess in it.  True story.

There IS no place like HOME

Today...

In this moment...

 THIS IS ONE HAPPY MAMA because...

 Well, honestly, there are lots of reasons.  Maybe one reason could be because my kids come up with absurd Halloween characters/costumes they want to be that happen to be super cheap.  So lucky my kids have never set their hearts on a $50 costume.  That would never happen.

 Or maybe it's because my kids have such good friends...I have such good friends, which is kind of a big deal when you aren't a socialite or way into lots and lots of get-togethers, but it is priceless to me to have dependable people, people who care, people who get me and whose houses I feel comfortable letting my kids go to anytime and vice-versa.  Knowing your kids are happy, safe and valued even when they aren't with you is invaluable as well.

But tonight, the reason I am so happy is because all 7 of us are under one roof (the hubs and kids would make me say 9 because of the blasted cat and dog), all together, after a crazy couple of weeks...that will probably last at least a few more days before we can breathe, but I feel full of love and joy right this moment - love my husband, love my children, love the season, the neighbors, and I am so thankful for my Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ.  They can carry me through anything!

We will now find out what it means to have a teenager

We've been building up to this moment for 13 years of adventure, laughter, heartache and growing....lots and lots and lots of growing.   L's festivities started off with fancy filled cupcakes and a late-over with a couple of friends.  We had the most of fabulous of weekends around here, and then today we had a snoopy cake and siblings slathering love on their sister in the form of reading, giving her random toys of theirs and singing.  It was all pretty cute.

  

Lily and the boys picked tomatoes and cucumbers for her beloved Greek salad with lots of feta.  It's her thang right now.  Also I made her Cajun Chicken Pasta which is probably her favorite thing I make, but there is so much chopping up of vegetables and chicken and making of sauce and, and, and that I only make it for those I REALLY, REALLY love as a special request.  I even added extra mushrooms because she is a smart person and likes mushrooms.  Her cake request was simple, bless her, because it is reflective of her.  She isn't overly complex and complicated and pain in the butt - she is my hardworking kind, just-keep-swimming, extremely tall girl, and I'm so very glad she is mine.

She loves Rick Riordan novels, especially Percy Jackson.  She likes Studio C skits, texting her friends furiously on the phone, and Youtubers, especially those who play Minecraft.  She is very into Peanuts.  She is brave enough to try new sports at her parents' strong urging.  And she wants to please the Lord and have peace on earth (thought not so much with her brothers).  

We love you Miss L.  Our house would be pretty boring without you in it, and though I tease you about being a teenager and super tall, I can't wait to watch as you grow in faith and personality and knowledge and skills.  You are going to go places.  Stand tall always!

We will now find out what it means to have a teenager

We've been building up to this moment for 13 years of adventure, laughter, heartache and growing....lots and lots and lots of growing.   L's festivities started off with fancy filled cupcakes and a late-over with a couple of friends.  We had the most of fabulous of weekends around here, and then today we had a snoopy cake and siblings slathering love on their sister in the form of reading, giving her random toys of theirs and singing.  It was all pretty cute.

  

Lily and the boys picked tomatoes and cucumbers for her beloved Greek salad with lots of feta.  It's her thang right now.  Also I made her Cajun Chicken Pasta which is probably her favorite thing I make, but there is so much chopping up of vegetables and chicken and making of sauce and, and, and that I only make it for those I REALLY, REALLY love as a special request.  I even added extra mushrooms because she is a smart person and likes mushrooms.  Her cake request was simple, bless her, because it is reflective of her.  She isn't overly complex and complicated and pain in the butt - she is my hardworking kind, just-keep-swimming, extremely tall girl, and I'm so very glad she is mine.

She loves Rick Riordan novels, especially Percy Jackson.  She likes Studio C skits, texting her friends furiously on the phone, and Youtubers, especially those who play Minecraft.  She is very into Peanuts.  She is brave enough to try new sports at her parents' strong urging.  And she wants to please the Lord and have peace on earth (thought not so much with her brothers).  

We love you Miss L.  Our house would be pretty boring without you in it, and though I tease you about being a teenager and super tall, I can't wait to watch as you grow in faith and personality and knowledge and skills.  You are going to go places.  Stand tall always!

Just Keep Swimming 2016

We have some shy swimmers in the family.  Oh yes we do.  And I think swimming is so important, so by the time we are finished, we will have spent $1000s in swim lessons for these little chiquita bananas.  Oh yes we will.  

 Shawn is still intimidated by jumping off the diving board.  Hopefully next year.  Never give up.

 When Ben decided to jump off the diving board and swim the entire length of the pool, Daphne and Shawn cheered him on.  "Go Ben!  Go Ben!"  We are a little more enthusiastic about swim lessons than your average bears.  Plus, this is one of the few times when they supported each other instead of  punching or insulting.

 Ben is a poser of the rarest variety.  This is the year I would say swimming "clicked" for him.  He still has some serious coordination and form and technique issues, but his fear is nipped in the bud quite nicely.  Speaking as possibly the most reluctant Nicholes swimmer, I feel I can say this.

 It always SOOO fulfilling as swim lessons are something we spend a lot of effort and time on to see those lessons finally pay off after years (oh yes, years) of patience and refusing to do this and that.  No melt downs in my family but definite refusals.

 We still have Matt's swim lessons to go, and I am very excited to see how those goes.  I think he isn't very afraid either and has just some technique stuff to work out.  I think all in all I will dub this a seriously successful swim lesson year.  Now, the tricky part, taking them swimming all winter.  I wonder if once a month is enough because it is quite the circus to haul all the kids to the pool by myself and the papa is not so into project excellent swimmers in a hands-on sense.

In other news (oh yes, there is always other news with me), we had a lovely Friday afternoon.  Whee!  We went and played at this huge fountain in a huge park ....with huge piles of goose poop (what?  I was continuing the huge them, and it was true).  It wasn't crowded which is JUST HOW I LIKE IT!  We also went to a candy store and I would have been remiss if I hadn't taken them on a driving tour of ye old stomping grounds.  Our first apartment/duplex was SOOO small.  How did we ever fit to barely-not-teenagers and a hyper stinky beagle in that little place?  The mind reels.  I also showed them campus, attempted to show them my old dorm but would you believe they have built an entire huge (there's that word again) new dorm all around my old little dorm?  So sad.  Walking tour will be required.  My how times change, but good old fashioned fun never does.  Thank goodness for that.

 Daphne was hilarious running screaming up to the water fountain, getting wet and then running screaming back.  again and again and again.  Tres cute.

15 YEARS TOGETHER

Just spent a most lovely day with my sweetheart.  It was fabulous!  We had a lot of laughs and some serious thoughts reminiscing about our 15 years together.  I'm glad that God put me right in L's path, like a deer in the headlights, so that we would most definitely not miss meeting each other, the very first day of Freshman English.

You know, I have actually made long lists of all the reasons I love Lucas over the years, but they are kind of for him and not this blog, but just for fun, I am listing 15 songs that played a role in our relationship...according to me...because it is my blog...ha ha.

1.  To Make You Feel My Love by Garth Brooks...and who would have thunk it with L's strong aversion to country music as a whole.

2.  When We Dance by Sting...kind of became OUR SONG...which is funny because we don't slow dance anymore really...maybe it's a metaphysical kind of dancing now.  Maybe our witty repartee (which our sweet sheltered children call fighting) is how we dance.

3.  So I Married An Ax Murderer soundtrack.  Yep, I just totally cheated and made a bunch of songs into one number.    We watched this movie when dating and so Lucas made it a part of the activities we did on the day he proposed as well.  "Heed!  Pants!  Now!"

4.  In Love by Ben Folds (feat William Shatner)...I put it grudgingly, but it totally played a role.  Nuf said.

5.  I'm Blue by Eiffel 65...this song and a slough of others were just random songs we'd hear on the radio as we drove around.  Oh and remember Napster.  Yikes.

6.  A Praise Chorus by Jimmy Eat World...a reminder of all the fun road trips.

7.  Satellite by Dave Matthews Band...some magical nights at the Shakespeare festival and celebrating Lucas's seasons of music (he totally listens to specific albums/artists and certain times of year - quirky/cute)

8.  Enya.   Bwahahahaha.

9.  Beat It and Thriller by Michael Jackson

10.  Love at Home by John Hugh McNaughton.  It's a church hymn but you will probably hear us singing it 'round here at least once a week to remind some fighting kids to be nice.  

11.  A thing we shall call Lucas's drunk Elvis as it brings laughter to our house, although we could also add Lana Del Rey to that list "...video games..." [awkward slow twirl]

12.  Ho Hey by The Lumineers...it makes me think of Lucas as I belt it out every time.

And because I am such a good wife, I am letting Lucas have 3 whole songs as well.  :)

13.  Flux by Block Party.  This song has led to many dance parties where Lucas was the DJ and the kids just go crazy.  Little Lily called it the Emma song for some reason.

14.  The Lighthouse by Nickel Creek.  He is sooooo good, that husband of mine.  Totally blocked out this whole phase of our marriage/music listening experience.  I love Nickel Creek.  Must dig out old CDs stat.

15.  Coffee and TV by Blur, Gotye, Kimbra, Dashboard by Modest Mouse, Ok Go (anything by them), The Funeral by Band of Horses and Just Like Heaven (the total inspiration for my blog name) by The Cure

I must apologize because my husband is like a music man, not a swindler who pretends to be able to teach kids in small river towns how to play in a band, but a man who likes music and has an impeccable memory.  Thus when I asked for his input, he had a lot and it was all valid, so, um, yes, we will pretend that was FIFTEEN songs up there for our 15 years of marriage.  The ups, the downs, the highs, the lows, the raging hormones, the silly, the serious.  Happy anniversary to us and many more.  Thank goodness for marriages that can last forever!

Let's Chat

Let's chat...only really fast because I am on a quick break but have so much I wish I could write about.

 You know, I could look a whole lot scarier without makeup.  I always feel like the lack of major change with and without makeup is mostly a blessing for me.  You get what you get.  No surprises on this face...for better or worse.  I will say it looks WAAAAY better with a smile.  When I am grumpy or sad I swear I age by 10 or so years.  Yikes!

 Sewing has taken the household by storm.  I've sewn a dress and kids (especially Lil and Matt) have gone teddy bear (and seahorse thanks to Lily) crazy.  I'm proud, naturally.

 It has been a summer full of swimming which makes me so happy as we have progress.  Would you believe that Ben and Shawn are actually excelling in their swim lessons rather than being the scaredy-cats of the class.  I am so thankful to our neighbors/the family Lily babysits for.  The use of their pool has done wonders for my not so fishy children.

 Nothing says summer fun like a burrito party?  They are the cutest blanket burritos I ever did see, that's for sure.

 This little girl is actually quite fashion conscious.  She cares if her hair is done and what clothes she wears.  Yes, her hairstyle choices are 'special' and her clothing coordination is, well, not coordinated, but I think it is super cute and girly that she cares so much.  However, it does mean extra laundry when she plows through 4 outfits in a day and we can't remember what is dirty and what is not.

 After school let out, we went to Savers to get summer clothes...and apparently to try on hats...and purchase a few stuffed animals because the 300 we already have just weren't cutting it.  I got comments on how well behaved my kids were as the boys waited for Lily trying on clothes.  Bless them for being well behaved in that situation.

 Last day of 6th grade for milady.  6th grade was not a fair-weather friend at times, but if we can just make it through 2 more years of middle school I am sure high school will be better.  She has grown and changed so much.  Being our guinea pig makes watching her grow up extra fascinating.  It's all so new and different and you never know what to expect with her.  We love her so much, and she makes the house run smoother...minus the brother beatings (please don't take that literally).  She is as bossy a big sister as could be, but I'm sure things will smooth out...eventually...hopefully...maybe not.

 I have become NATURE GIRL!  Okay.  I probably already was, but I have spent more time outside this spring and summer than I have for years and years.  It's been pretty fabulous and freeing and therapeutic since a year of full time work has almost made me lose my mind and my waist.

It has been a great summer and not overly hot to boot.  Yahoo-yippee.  Regarding my last post from what feels like long ago, I have been writing and hoping and working on things, and it has been quite an adventure with some ups and some downs.  I definitely no where I want to go.  I just have to try some different paths until I find the one that gets me there.  Wishing anyone who reads this fulfillment of their dreams and joy in the journey regardless of their dream destination.  Anna out!

I AM A WRITER

No one get too excited, okay.  I'm not published or anything...unless that suspicious deal when I was 14 where they published my poem in an anthology and then asked me to buy as many expensive copies as I wanted counts.  However, I am a writer...sort of like I'm a runner, I guess.  I run, slowly, it's more of a jog, with lots of breaks, but I read once that you should call yourself a runner if you want to become one, no matter how fast you actually run.  I think it is the "act as if" principle.  Well, I am officially doing that writing style.

Here's what's gone down.  Life appears to be pushing me in a new direction, and by life I mean my displeasure with a job I didn't mind for 9 or so years which I now despise for a lot of good reasons and a few stupid ones.  I figure I am like so many people who like to play it safe.  Guaranteed income, don't try new scary things, head down, status quo.  Status quo is making me stressed and occasionally depressed.  Life is saying get over your fears and figure out what is next.  To make it even more exciting, on top of not liking my job, there have been a few weeks where there just has not been enough work.  That is the normal ebb and flow in my industry, but this is worse than ever.  See.  I am being pushed.  I don't want to do anything that would compromise our family's security, and I have talked with my husband a lot.  I have prayed.  I have done everything I know to do to call down help from Heaven because I need it right now.

Part of what I've done is think my brains out.  Seriously, my head hurts right now, and it is not because I accidentally rammed it into the minivan, again, while loading a sweet kiddo into a car seat.  I've gone back, read through what young (not crushed by the pressures of adulthood) Marianne used to think in her journal.  I have pretty much always wanted to be a writer.  When I was in 2nd grade, I wanted to be an artist or author, according to my All About Me masterpiece.  It became clear to me I was not a natural artist, but I have always been good at and, more to the point, enjoyed writing, all sorts of writing.  When I was a teenager I also wanted to be an author.  Winning writing competitions (the few that I did) was so thrilling.  It just dawned on me over the last few weeks that there were 2 reasons I didn't pursue some form of writing at college.

1. My dad said an English degree was a waste of time = no jobs.  Maybe, maybe not.
2. When I submitted an essay in a writing competition for a scholarship my junior year of high school, it didn't get me squat.  It's weak and pathetic, but that little incident made me think maybe I couldn't write well and that there were way too many people who could write better and deserved it more than me.  Pretty illogical because the next year I did also submit an essay which got me the scholarship I wanted in the school I ultimately chose.

I just got it in my head that to be successful I needed to major in a science field because me and math, we weren't total BFF's.  Business just, yep, my mind went blank.  As a young adult I just had no idea what all was out there.  Oh the pressure!  Here I am 13 years after college, and it dawns on me that though I am intelligent and can grasp all sorts of topics, a few of them even super scientific or technical, I have the eyes, the heart, the thoughts of a creative person.  I love to create.  I see beauty in every day scenes and have these amazing experiences over tiny things that other people would pass by without a moment's notice.  When I am creating, whether it be cooking, baking, sewing, gardening, or writing, I am happy.  My heart gets overcome with emotion when I round the curve on a highway and see an amazing mountain scene pour into view.  I have got to do something about, even if I do it in a way more tortoise than hare fashion.

Even as I count down the days, the possibly many days, until I am done with this job that is currently more than a tad soul sucking, I am going to be way more proactive about writing.  I am going to make it a priority.  I am even going to submit some short pieces on the internet, brace myself for rejections, and keep practicing and practicing.  I am also going to keep praying and seeking God's guidance because I know he has something in store for me, even though I can only see the beginning of it right now before it begins to unfold.

Basically, I am saying it's on!  The battle, that is.  The battle between me and myself.  Curse that Negative Nellie in me, handed down in the Whitaker family line!  "You will never amount to anything.  No one cares what you have to say.  You are all wrong.  You are so stupid to think you could ever possibly do this."  Well, I've got news for her.  I listened to an amazing speech my Elder Jeffrey R. Holland who said that SELF DOUBT, DESPAIR and DISCOURAGEMENT are tools of the adversary.  He wants my voice to not be heard.  He wants me to feel hopeless about my current situation because then I draw deep into myself instead of the normal things I do in reaching out to others and being a positive force.  It is the hardest battle ever, me against myself.  I get an idea.  I feel excited.  I write or ponder on it more.  I feel like I'm onto something.  Then a few hours later I feel like it is impossible and really stupid.  I need to work on my self cheer leading, seriously.

I am under no delusions.  I get that I am not the best writer.  I get that I will never get rich or probably even earn a decent living from writing.  I get that I will never be a J.K. Rowling, nor do I have the time or desire to write prolifically and make it my main life focus.  I do feel that I am being led and that, for some reason, someone needs to hear what I have to say; there are people who need to be reached through me.  I don't know how or why yet, but I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  Since I am not a great orator or a social media pundit, and I hate being in the public limelight, I have to assume, for now, that writing and service will be my tools.

Therefore, I am going to do what I CAN DO and walk the way I am being directed, even if it does not make sense.  I am going to practice, whether blogging, or journaling or whatever form it may be.  I am going to be a writing machine in my spare (ha ha ha) time because practice makes perfect, and I will never be able to run if I don't get really good at jogging.  Why did I put all this embarrassing weird stuff on my blog?  Because as I learned from Brene Brown's TED talk and, heck, common sense, I have got to be willing to be vulnerable.  When I try something new, I am going to fail, a lot,  and be embarrassed or sad, but the worst thing ever will be if I never try and never know what I really am capable of, ending up some day just thinking about what might have been.  A life of regret is not what I signed up for, so here goes!  Line upon line. By small and simple things are great things brought to pass.

Randomness...again

Here and there and everywhere is my specialty...ask my husband.  I want so much to document the little things that go on every day, but doing the best I can does not currently allow that time.  I am pretty good at catching at least some of the things between journaling in an honest to goodness journal and the blog and what we will call my oral history given to my children, so here's hoping my legacy and heart and true love of my family gets passed on in one way or another.

First (here's where the randomness comes into play), I want to remember that Daphne likes to help me peel onions.  No matter what she's doing, if I am peeling an onion she drops it and runs over to help me.  So cute.  She is such a little lover of hearth and home, naturally.  When I emptied the garbage last week, she drug the big trash can into the kitchen and was trying to put a new garbage bag in.  She likes to pass out scriptures to each person when we read as a family.  She likes to make sure every one has what they need.  This is when she is in her sweet mood, the one that doesn't scream I AM A 2 YEAR OLD AND YOU GOTTA DEAL WITH IT!  She loves cows on long drives and yells excitedly when she sees them.  She finds many things that she simply declares CUTE!  She is sensitive.  Tell her no once in a serious voice and she fetal position pouts for several minutes.  And when she isn't taking the house by storm or feeling picked on, she is still a master cuddler, bless her sweet little self.

Shawn is a talker (can be said of most of my children at one time or another, in one way or another), but he can talk my ear off.  Shawn is one that makes my heart ache on my 2 long work days as he has so much he wants to share and I have to keep my headphones on as much as possible and work.  Goodness, I love him.  How he is still my "baby" in a way, loves his baby blanket, likes cuddles and hugs and kisses, and thinks I can make everything all better.  But how he is also growing into a soon to be elementary schooler...I think.  I still can't feel 100% awesome about sending him to Kindergarten.  I better decide soon, though.  Registration is next month.  He has a hard time saying his B's and F's and replaces them with a soft V.  At the end of words, he uses P's instead of T's.  Let's just say we could have a lot of good speech practice this summer, after he is done with his traditional speech classes.  He is my sturdy boy, not as skinny as the other boys, and there is even something about that I love.  And his facial expressions and phrasing of things...yep, no wonder I still see him as so little even though he is almost 5.  He'll always be my little boy regardless.

Ben continues to confound and confuse me.  He tells me nearly daily how much he hates school and finds it boring.  He has an awesome teacher (i'm so not kidding) who says his intelligence makes her stretch and find new ways of introducing things...occasionally pulling him back to learn a basic concept even though he knows stuff beyond it.  She also says he is borderline class clown but always dials it back when she gives him THE LOOK.  That doesn't sound like a kid bored out of his brains all day.  We are contemplating doing some room rearranging after some minor remodeling work and it would involve Ben and Shawn sharing a room.  We think maybe if Ben is around Matt less he will stop trying to be a doppelganger.  Matt teaches him a ton and for that I am thankful, but I can see how less Matt time (and more time for Matt to have some space from his adoring little bros) would benefit Ben and Shawn and "force" them to work on their relationship and their own interests...maybe.  I'm clearly no expert.  CLEARLY.

Speaking of Matthew, he just played his Festival pieces at a senior living center tonight.  His last recital with his old teacher he had an embarrassing performance and was mortified.  This teacher is all about giving kids lots of public performance opportunities, and Matt went and, according to Lily, he did pretty well.  He felt great about it, and I really hope he does even better at his recital and Festival because he has put hours and hours and hours into these pieces.  I can't often say that about a kid and piano practice, but he really stepped up when we asked him to.  He has been getting extra good behavior at school (which is nice because inattentiveness was a struggle earlier in the year), and he has one really good friend that makes school worth it even when the rest of the day is a drag.

I seriously don't know where these boys came from.  Smart, love to learn, not in love with school.  I loved a lot of school.  If school didn't have bullies and idiots, I would have been perfectly happy there all the time.  As it was (and is, if I"m honest), summer vacations are MUCH looked forward to by this mama (well, I wasn't a mama then but now,, erg, never mind).

Lily is hopefully, hoping, hoping, hoping, going to play TENNIS starting this month with games starting next month.  I definitely am wishing my girls (and boys) would try some sport or another as I was too chicken and do regret it.  So, in an attempt to prove us wrong and also, I hope, because she wants to try something new, Lily came home all fired up.  Hurray.  Must get racket and tennis outfit on the cheap.  She is really worried about losing all her friends via moving, and all I can tell her is pray that if they move God will provide new wonderful friends, and I know he will IF they move.  Poor girl is going to be traumatized about friends until high school I sometimes think.  She is doing pretty well.  She is always excited for the next thing and extra projects.  Again, except for the self-induced chaos of her bedroom, I love how Lily lives with energy and excitement.

Lucas and I?  Well, I can't totally speak for him, but I can say this:  LIFE IS SO HARD.  There are so many important decisions to make, and the responsibility of parenthood is huge, so heavy.  We are tired.  We are overwhelmed many days by life (not the kids - they make it all interesting and worth it), and a vacation nearly always feels in order - a long, long, long one.  Through trials I feel myself more easily turning to the Lord as He seems to be the only one able to make me feel okay about all the pain in the butt stuff of life.  And through our individual and couple hardships, when we dump pride, I feel our marriage strengthen and I feel my tender sacred feelings about my husband grow, and my snarkiness and impatience diminished bit by bit.

Today, our Primary music leader introduced the kids to a new song to sing on Easter Sunday.  I had heard it once before, but I just cannot hear it without feeling overwhelmed (in the best way possible) with love for my Savior and knowing that He loves me so much (all of us obviously but this song makes it feel so personal.  I am so little, so nothing in many ways, even though I am a daughter of Heavenly Father, but Jesus did atone for my sins.  He did suffer deeply all my losses, broken hearts, missed out on dreams and that desperateness I feel some days as my list of what I really "needed" to get accomplished goes down the toilet and, instead, I focus on the bare essentials of home maintenance, getting work done, and growing little people in between it all as best I can.  This song reminds me that HE KNOWS.  He gets me completely.  He loves me completely.  He will offer me all the relief I need but will never stunt my growth and shield from what I need to grow through to learn and become THE ULTIMATE ME (whatever she looks like).

The song, "Gethsemane"

Baby Blue Turned 7 Today

 My only blue-eyed kiddo.  I love him even as he has tested and taught us in new and sometimes unusual ways.

1:  He will forever be the teeniest Nicholes baby at 7 pounds, but he is probably going to be the closest thing I will have ever have to a tall skinny Wyoming cowboy...it's a stretch, but like I said the closest I will ever know in this house.

 2:  He is definitely a ninja.  Just when I or Lucas and I think we are all alone in our room, out from under the bed or behind a door will pop Ninja Ben.

3:  He has mischievous written all over him.  This was the kid who, when I was clearly hugely pregnant, decided to start running away down the sidewalk whenever we tried to go anywhere in the car, my pregnant form waddle running after him before he ran into the road.

 4:  He likes to entertain...in primary...at school...at home if his siblings will let him, anything for a laugh.

5:  He has helped us to learn and grow as parents as we have hoped everything would go well with his speech and as we try to figure out some other stuff too.  Any kid who teaches you to pray more than you were praying is definitely a blessing.

6:  Oh, his kisses.  He is a very loving son at tuck in.  He needs his hug AND kiss to make bedtime official.

7:  And, yes, it's superficial, but I LOVE HIS EYES.  They are the brightest true blue and have been since week 1 of his life.  You can see all his emotions in his eyes, and I just love them SOOO much.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BLUE-EYED NINJA.  MAY THE SNEAKING AND TRICKS LAST FOR ANOTHER CENTURY...at least!