No one get too excited, okay. I'm not published or anything...unless that suspicious deal when I was 14 where they published my poem in an anthology and then asked me to buy as many expensive copies as I wanted counts. However, I am a writer...sort of like I'm a runner, I guess. I run, slowly, it's more of a jog, with lots of breaks, but I read once that you should call yourself a runner if you want to become one, no matter how fast you actually run. I think it is the "act as if" principle. Well, I am officially doing that writing style.
Here's what's gone down. Life appears to be pushing me in a new direction, and by life I mean my displeasure with a job I didn't mind for 9 or so years which I now despise for a lot of good reasons and a few stupid ones. I figure I am like so many people who like to play it safe. Guaranteed income, don't try new scary things, head down, status quo. Status quo is making me stressed and occasionally depressed. Life is saying get over your fears and figure out what is next. To make it even more exciting, on top of not liking my job, there have been a few weeks where there just has not been enough work. That is the normal ebb and flow in my industry, but this is worse than ever. See. I am being pushed. I don't want to do anything that would compromise our family's security, and I have talked with my husband a lot. I have prayed. I have done everything I know to do to call down help from Heaven because I need it right now.
Part of what I've done is think my brains out. Seriously, my head hurts right now, and it is not because I accidentally rammed it into the minivan, again, while loading a sweet kiddo into a car seat. I've gone back, read through what young (not crushed by the pressures of adulthood) Marianne used to think in her journal. I have pretty much always wanted to be a writer. When I was in 2nd grade, I wanted to be an artist or author, according to my All About Me masterpiece. It became clear to me I was not a natural artist, but I have always been good at and, more to the point, enjoyed writing, all sorts of writing. When I was a teenager I also wanted to be an author. Winning writing competitions (the few that I did) was so thrilling. It just dawned on me over the last few weeks that there were 2 reasons I didn't pursue some form of writing at college.
1. My dad said an English degree was a waste of time = no jobs. Maybe, maybe not.
2. When I submitted an essay in a writing competition for a scholarship my junior year of high school, it didn't get me squat. It's weak and pathetic, but that little incident made me think maybe I couldn't write well and that there were way too many people who could write better and deserved it more than me. Pretty illogical because the next year I did also submit an essay which got me the scholarship I wanted in the school I ultimately chose.
I just got it in my head that to be successful I needed to major in a science field because me and math, we weren't total BFF's. Business just, yep, my mind went blank. As a young adult I just had no idea what all was out there. Oh the pressure! Here I am 13 years after college, and it dawns on me that though I am intelligent and can grasp all sorts of topics, a few of them even super scientific or technical, I have the eyes, the heart, the thoughts of a creative person. I love to create. I see beauty in every day scenes and have these amazing experiences over tiny things that other people would pass by without a moment's notice. When I am creating, whether it be cooking, baking, sewing, gardening, or writing, I am happy. My heart gets overcome with emotion when I round the curve on a highway and see an amazing mountain scene pour into view. I have got to do something about, even if I do it in a way more tortoise than hare fashion.
Even as I count down the days, the possibly many days, until I am done with this job that is currently more than a tad soul sucking, I am going to be way more proactive about writing. I am going to make it a priority. I am even going to submit some short pieces on the internet, brace myself for rejections, and keep practicing and practicing. I am also going to keep praying and seeking God's guidance because I know he has something in store for me, even though I can only see the beginning of it right now before it begins to unfold.
Basically, I am saying it's on! The battle, that is. The battle between me and myself. Curse that Negative Nellie in me, handed down in the Whitaker family line! "You will never amount to anything. No one cares what you have to say. You are all wrong. You are so stupid to think you could ever possibly do this." Well, I've got news for her. I listened to an amazing speech my Elder Jeffrey R. Holland who said that SELF DOUBT, DESPAIR and DISCOURAGEMENT are tools of the adversary. He wants my voice to not be heard. He wants me to feel hopeless about my current situation because then I draw deep into myself instead of the normal things I do in reaching out to others and being a positive force. It is the hardest battle ever, me against myself. I get an idea. I feel excited. I write or ponder on it more. I feel like I'm onto something. Then a few hours later I feel like it is impossible and really stupid. I need to work on my self cheer leading, seriously.
I am under no delusions. I get that I am not the best writer. I get that I will never get rich or probably even earn a decent living from writing. I get that I will never be a J.K. Rowling, nor do I have the time or desire to write prolifically and make it my main life focus. I do feel that I am being led and that, for some reason, someone needs to hear what I have to say; there are people who need to be reached through me. I don't know how or why yet, but I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. Since I am not a great orator or a social media pundit, and I hate being in the public limelight, I have to assume, for now, that writing and service will be my tools.
Therefore, I am going to do what I CAN DO and walk the way I am being directed, even if it does not make sense. I am going to practice, whether blogging, or journaling or whatever form it may be. I am going to be a writing machine in my spare (ha ha ha) time because practice makes perfect, and I will never be able to run if I don't get really good at jogging. Why did I put all this embarrassing weird stuff on my blog? Because as I learned from Brene Brown's TED talk and, heck, common sense, I have got to be willing to be vulnerable. When I try something new, I am going to fail, a lot, and be embarrassed or sad, but the worst thing ever will be if I never try and never know what I really am capable of, ending up some day just thinking about what might have been. A life of regret is not what I signed up for, so here goes! Line upon line. By small and simple things are great things brought to pass.
