After weeks and months of being generally dissatisfied with, oh, most things in my life...
After countless episodes of mote viewing and then getting smacked in the head by my own beam...
After confirming through countless personal case studies that comparison is indeed the thief of joy...
After always dreaming of kids and marriage, getting it and then realizing it was a heckuva lot more bone grinding and emotionally challenging work than I could have ever fathomed as a starry-eyed girl...
After having some randomly self imposed, ridiculously strict expectations that left me feeling a failure more often than not...
After having so many little glimpses of heaven and purpose amidst the darkness, only to get them trampled by my perceived hardness of just making everything thing work nonstop each and every day...
After pleading with God to help me see, understand, fix it and make me happy, which led to hearing SO MANY SPEAKERS in many settings talk about what true happiness and joy really are (boy, did I have it wrong and I DO Stand corrected)...
I think it's time for my greatest (albeit justified in a worldly way) pity party to be laid to rest. Rest in peace (only you won't, because you are the opposite of peace).
It's been building up for awhile, with tender mercy after tender mercy being laid out before me as I've struggled to see the light more fully, prayed more, read more, pondered hopefully.
BUT TODAY I GOT SMACKED, YET AGAIN, WITH SOME PERSPECTIVE.
See, I know I should focus on the big picture, but eternity is really long and incomprehensible to me. But here and now perspective I can understand. I have a friend who has had a hard life and for whatever reason chooses to continue to live that hard life, even when it is not other people forcing it on her as when she was a child. I think her main motivator in life is often fear. Her situation is rock/hard place stuff, things I can't do for her-I can only love her and listen and hope she chooses the best for her life, a new way full of pattern breaking and lots of faith and hard work and turning to Jesus. After our conversation, which left me feeling sick with concern, I realized that this:
And this:
And even having a baby perpetually strapped to me who just can't stand to be without her mama, are not legitimately big problems that should stress me out endlessly.
The kind of messes in my life are truly wonderful problems to have. It is messy but if there was such a thing as a beautiful mess, it is my life.
The Lord has trusted and given me dozens of children to try to minister to. I do nor always do my best, but every day is a new day, and I can start over again and again because of Him.
Having a husband who is in many ways still a mystery to me, especially as we both change, and getting to figure out how to make it all click and help us both be our best selves = good problem to have.
Having 5 souls to nurture, attempt each day to show Christ-like love to, to teach, to be a shoulder to cry on and a safe place, and know I am the mom they specifically need and chose = good problem to have.
Having not quite enough money to give our family everything and do more things, all because we got educations and babies and a house and it is our solemn duty to make it all work = good problem.
Having a job that allows me to stay at home, though it is so hard to balance all my time = a blessed problem to have!
And it IS TRUE, as long as my house isn't a toxic waste dump and I am trying to keep/make it safe and clean, messes everywhere from a house well lived in, loved in, and with many stories of all varieties to tell is a good problem.
My life is a mess...and I will love it, because these are the kinds of messes that bless me every day and make me reach and stretch and grow, because make no mistake, I AM UNCOMFORTABLE, but I AM BLESSED and have every reason to be truly happy EVERY.SINGLE.DAY, make no mistake.
Dear Me:
Come what may and love it! Laugh A LOT! Love A LOT! Reach out, reach out, reach out! Look into eyes and really SEE and enjoy all the moments you can and laugh later at the poopy, tear-filled, barfy, constant crying cacophony of meal time, screaming, emotionally-charged moments, because none of these moments will last forever, but THIS FAMILY WILL and what you learn in this life will and ALL THE LOVE and memories you share will.
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