It's a good time to stop and take a deep breath. I am working on homework for one of my four grad classes this semester. I substitute taught for kindergarten (unexpectedly, I was supposed to be a para) this afternoon, and I am excited for a day 'off" which will involve staying home all day if possible (!!!) folding laundry and watching movies, followed by cake, ice cream and chocolates. I know how to live it up Marianne-style and I am looking forward to it. I also plan on putting away clutter in my room and putting on fresh sheets tonight so I can feel zen in the morning.
My life is crazy right now, though, and I think I probably would have said that for most of my decades on earth. It just doesn't ease up, and if it is about to, then I get dissatisfied and problematize and look where I'm at. I am certainly leaning heavily upon my Heavenly Father and Savior to get through things right now. We have a lot going on at our house and in our family, and I don't get to stop and think too hard about it...No, I just keep going and think about it in the small spaces of time I'm driving or lawn mowing or falling asleep or waking up.
But right now, as I avoid reading yet another peer-review article for yet another class's reading response, I want to remember some of the beauty and loveliness in my life at the moment.
EARLIER, the rain was pouring and Daph and Shawn asked to play outside in the puddles. They donned rain jackets which we had gotten for the Oregon Coast and never had to use. Shawn carried his $3 Target umbrella I purchased him last spring. They played in the street gutters, Shawn in light blue and Daphne in yellow (duck), splashing and hollering. Lucas called me to come watch. I grabbed my phone after I saw their darlingness, but by then they had moved far enough away my phone would have gotten rained on while snapping a shot. I should have just drank in that perfection and gone to stood in the rain-no pics necessary. Soon Lily had to get in on the action because she cannot stand to be inside when there are puddles. Bless the child in that very teenage brain/body who wanted to come out to play. She took her sister across the street to where she knew there were even deeper puddles. They came home soaked.
BEN has the longest hair a boy of mine has ever had, probably the longest a boy in our extended family has ever had. His personality, blonde hair and blue eyes just delight me. That boy can just get away with a little more than he should, and I can't figure out why, but I love the odd one out element he brings to our family with his surfer dude casualness.
CHICKENS are way more fun than I would have imagined. Our four chickens are laying machines. I love those girls very much. You give them so little and they lay their hearts out, and I do appreciate that they speak up if they need to remind you of something like if Ben forgot to refill their water or if they are out of food. Fascinating little dinosaurs (as Lucas would say).
CUDDLES with Lucas in the early morning hours as I try to coax myself to wake up. I have been so worried about him lately as he doesn't feel good, and it feels so nice to just be in his arms and feel his warmth and know that at least that is okay even if everything else is not.
DAPHNE cuddles are also a part of the mornings when I don't have to head out to class or a sub job. Having her gone all day is convenient but, my goodness, it doesn't feel good to think she is in a screaming crazy mob all day. She is definitely learning a lot and seems happy, but I don't want her to grow up too fast or miss out on anything she should have had. Cuddles with her have been grounding since she was so wee, and I will miss those as she grows up and doesn't think they're the best thing ever anymore.
ELL substituting was the highlight of my short subbing career so far. I loved those kids. I see a possible future there, and it gave me hope for where I might fit into a school system.
RIVER WALKS. I know. Shocker. They are few right now, but they have been life affirming.
I LOVE TO SEE THE TEMPLE and go inside and be reminded that Heavenly Father and Jesus have my back. They are here. They are with me daily, every minute. They will not let me fail at anything I'm not supposed to fail at, and they will love me just the same and pick me back up when I do fail. What comfort, and how important to remember the BIG, BIG eternal picture which is exactly what the temple does for me every time.
FAMILY. I love my sisters and brother, mom and dad, and, most dearly, I love my husband and children. I sometime wish, but am overcoming it, that life were different and I was the SAHM of my dreams, lavishing love and nurture upon our home and my children every hour they were home. I have never been that mom 100%. I regret that, but I don't know that with this husband and these kids that my life could have ever been different or that it was supposed to be. My kids mean everything to me. My husband is someone I want to hold on tight to and never let go...except, you know, sometimes because space is good now and then. I want so much to do right by them all, and it's not easy. It's another thing I have to rely on the Lord for, to guide me, to let me know when someone is struggling, and to remind me that even though I have so much on my plate personally/professionally, they are why I'm here and why I'm doing this. I love them. I can't wait until our next adventure together, and I will commit to making the day-to-day better and more adventurous too because we've been known to get into ruts which can be quite boring.
SO do I feel life is beautiful right now...I don't know...it's so intense and the lovely moments are so sought for but sparse, but I have seen some beautiful amidst my mess plenty enough lately, and for those times I am grateful.
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