Randomness...again

Here and there and everywhere is my specialty...ask my husband.  I want so much to document the little things that go on every day, but doing the best I can does not currently allow that time.  I am pretty good at catching at least some of the things between journaling in an honest to goodness journal and the blog and what we will call my oral history given to my children, so here's hoping my legacy and heart and true love of my family gets passed on in one way or another.

First (here's where the randomness comes into play), I want to remember that Daphne likes to help me peel onions.  No matter what she's doing, if I am peeling an onion she drops it and runs over to help me.  So cute.  She is such a little lover of hearth and home, naturally.  When I emptied the garbage last week, she drug the big trash can into the kitchen and was trying to put a new garbage bag in.  She likes to pass out scriptures to each person when we read as a family.  She likes to make sure every one has what they need.  This is when she is in her sweet mood, the one that doesn't scream I AM A 2 YEAR OLD AND YOU GOTTA DEAL WITH IT!  She loves cows on long drives and yells excitedly when she sees them.  She finds many things that she simply declares CUTE!  She is sensitive.  Tell her no once in a serious voice and she fetal position pouts for several minutes.  And when she isn't taking the house by storm or feeling picked on, she is still a master cuddler, bless her sweet little self.

Shawn is a talker (can be said of most of my children at one time or another, in one way or another), but he can talk my ear off.  Shawn is one that makes my heart ache on my 2 long work days as he has so much he wants to share and I have to keep my headphones on as much as possible and work.  Goodness, I love him.  How he is still my "baby" in a way, loves his baby blanket, likes cuddles and hugs and kisses, and thinks I can make everything all better.  But how he is also growing into a soon to be elementary schooler...I think.  I still can't feel 100% awesome about sending him to Kindergarten.  I better decide soon, though.  Registration is next month.  He has a hard time saying his B's and F's and replaces them with a soft V.  At the end of words, he uses P's instead of T's.  Let's just say we could have a lot of good speech practice this summer, after he is done with his traditional speech classes.  He is my sturdy boy, not as skinny as the other boys, and there is even something about that I love.  And his facial expressions and phrasing of things...yep, no wonder I still see him as so little even though he is almost 5.  He'll always be my little boy regardless.

Ben continues to confound and confuse me.  He tells me nearly daily how much he hates school and finds it boring.  He has an awesome teacher (i'm so not kidding) who says his intelligence makes her stretch and find new ways of introducing things...occasionally pulling him back to learn a basic concept even though he knows stuff beyond it.  She also says he is borderline class clown but always dials it back when she gives him THE LOOK.  That doesn't sound like a kid bored out of his brains all day.  We are contemplating doing some room rearranging after some minor remodeling work and it would involve Ben and Shawn sharing a room.  We think maybe if Ben is around Matt less he will stop trying to be a doppelganger.  Matt teaches him a ton and for that I am thankful, but I can see how less Matt time (and more time for Matt to have some space from his adoring little bros) would benefit Ben and Shawn and "force" them to work on their relationship and their own interests...maybe.  I'm clearly no expert.  CLEARLY.

Speaking of Matthew, he just played his Festival pieces at a senior living center tonight.  His last recital with his old teacher he had an embarrassing performance and was mortified.  This teacher is all about giving kids lots of public performance opportunities, and Matt went and, according to Lily, he did pretty well.  He felt great about it, and I really hope he does even better at his recital and Festival because he has put hours and hours and hours into these pieces.  I can't often say that about a kid and piano practice, but he really stepped up when we asked him to.  He has been getting extra good behavior at school (which is nice because inattentiveness was a struggle earlier in the year), and he has one really good friend that makes school worth it even when the rest of the day is a drag.

I seriously don't know where these boys came from.  Smart, love to learn, not in love with school.  I loved a lot of school.  If school didn't have bullies and idiots, I would have been perfectly happy there all the time.  As it was (and is, if I"m honest), summer vacations are MUCH looked forward to by this mama (well, I wasn't a mama then but now,, erg, never mind).

Lily is hopefully, hoping, hoping, hoping, going to play TENNIS starting this month with games starting next month.  I definitely am wishing my girls (and boys) would try some sport or another as I was too chicken and do regret it.  So, in an attempt to prove us wrong and also, I hope, because she wants to try something new, Lily came home all fired up.  Hurray.  Must get racket and tennis outfit on the cheap.  She is really worried about losing all her friends via moving, and all I can tell her is pray that if they move God will provide new wonderful friends, and I know he will IF they move.  Poor girl is going to be traumatized about friends until high school I sometimes think.  She is doing pretty well.  She is always excited for the next thing and extra projects.  Again, except for the self-induced chaos of her bedroom, I love how Lily lives with energy and excitement.

Lucas and I?  Well, I can't totally speak for him, but I can say this:  LIFE IS SO HARD.  There are so many important decisions to make, and the responsibility of parenthood is huge, so heavy.  We are tired.  We are overwhelmed many days by life (not the kids - they make it all interesting and worth it), and a vacation nearly always feels in order - a long, long, long one.  Through trials I feel myself more easily turning to the Lord as He seems to be the only one able to make me feel okay about all the pain in the butt stuff of life.  And through our individual and couple hardships, when we dump pride, I feel our marriage strengthen and I feel my tender sacred feelings about my husband grow, and my snarkiness and impatience diminished bit by bit.

Today, our Primary music leader introduced the kids to a new song to sing on Easter Sunday.  I had heard it once before, but I just cannot hear it without feeling overwhelmed (in the best way possible) with love for my Savior and knowing that He loves me so much (all of us obviously but this song makes it feel so personal.  I am so little, so nothing in many ways, even though I am a daughter of Heavenly Father, but Jesus did atone for my sins.  He did suffer deeply all my losses, broken hearts, missed out on dreams and that desperateness I feel some days as my list of what I really "needed" to get accomplished goes down the toilet and, instead, I focus on the bare essentials of home maintenance, getting work done, and growing little people in between it all as best I can.  This song reminds me that HE KNOWS.  He gets me completely.  He loves me completely.  He will offer me all the relief I need but will never stunt my growth and shield from what I need to grow through to learn and become THE ULTIMATE ME (whatever she looks like).

The song, "Gethsemane"

Baby Blue Turned 7 Today

 My only blue-eyed kiddo.  I love him even as he has tested and taught us in new and sometimes unusual ways.

1:  He will forever be the teeniest Nicholes baby at 7 pounds, but he is probably going to be the closest thing I will have ever have to a tall skinny Wyoming cowboy...it's a stretch, but like I said the closest I will ever know in this house.

 2:  He is definitely a ninja.  Just when I or Lucas and I think we are all alone in our room, out from under the bed or behind a door will pop Ninja Ben.

3:  He has mischievous written all over him.  This was the kid who, when I was clearly hugely pregnant, decided to start running away down the sidewalk whenever we tried to go anywhere in the car, my pregnant form waddle running after him before he ran into the road.

 4:  He likes to entertain...in primary...at school...at home if his siblings will let him, anything for a laugh.

5:  He has helped us to learn and grow as parents as we have hoped everything would go well with his speech and as we try to figure out some other stuff too.  Any kid who teaches you to pray more than you were praying is definitely a blessing.

6:  Oh, his kisses.  He is a very loving son at tuck in.  He needs his hug AND kiss to make bedtime official.

7:  And, yes, it's superficial, but I LOVE HIS EYES.  They are the brightest true blue and have been since week 1 of his life.  You can see all his emotions in his eyes, and I just love them SOOO much.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BLUE-EYED NINJA.  MAY THE SNEAKING AND TRICKS LAST FOR ANOTHER CENTURY...at least!

A Whole Month

After being religious with the November blogging challenge, no blogging for a month seems like a big fail, but I did enjoy the month, if that helps - in mostly wonderful ways and in less wonderful, indulgent, I-don't-care-what-the-scale-or-my-body-says kinds of ways, but, alas, here we are in January.

Do I even dare attempt a recap?  Sadly for you, yes, yes I do.

In no particular order we have:

1)  The Cone of Shame.  Yes, dear Enzo, it has come to this.  We found out our dog had so many problems going on, mostly stemming from low thyroid (pet expenses kill me!!!!), and needs to wear a cone so he doesn't drive his thick, irritating, balding skin nuts as he gets better.  Slowly it is happening, but it is aggravating meanwhile to have to stop him from hurting himself.  And I'm sure Enzo doesn't think it is a picnic either.

2) Christmas was AWESOME (well, you know, mostly the buildup to Christmas).  The whole season was great.  It was in many ways so different from last year, but in the most important ways Christmas is always the same.  The Savior was born, indisputable glorious fact, and we celebrated him.  The hymns, carols, fun music, simple traditions.  Yes, it was wonderful.  All the random things mixed together found me contemplating my Savior and his birth extra deeply many times over the season.

Santa brought Ben a plasma car, and everyone wants to ride that thing.  It's pretty fun.  Lucky that kitty photo bomber is fast and the plasma car is slow...

3) I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED Christmas break.  Whew boy, I needed it so much.  I caught up on sleep and truly relaxed on the days we weren't trying to get some extra cleaning done.  It was glorious.  Daphne, though she wants to go in the car at every chance possible, liked having the crew home and I think everyone enjoyed a more laid back mom...except for the later meal times some nights.  What can I say?  When I chill, I CHHHHILLLLLL, and eat a lot of chocolate.  Woops.

4: Christmas booty (the pirate treasure kind for goodness sake!).  Everyone was happy but appeared to enjoy playing with other's things more than their own.  At least that meant something for everyone.

 5)  Shawn's Thursday preschool program...as opposed to his MTW class.  They sang a few songs.  He and I then did a quick foam sticker craft and had cookies and tea, and in Shawn's case more cookies and more cookies...and a few more.  I gasp (sometimes out loud) to think he can go to kindergarten next year.  Hold him back and have a giant kindergarten or let him loose and realize it might take him awhile to emotionally catch up?  I don't know yet, but it's my choice, so I will do my best for the little dude.

 6)  This should be #1...or maybe #2 as the Savior is King.  Matthew's birthday happened.  He is 10, and I can't believe.  He does everything unintentionally sneakily, growing, sneaking food at 11 pm on Fridays, staying up until 2 am reading, and getting older.  Here he is making a gingerbread house with Saint Aunt Ja.  SHE came for CHRISTMAS.  It was awesome and we loved having her, even if she probably has to go home to feel like she actually had a vacation.  These kids of mine are intense and love attention.  Not a problem but at times one must step back and take a breath (or lock oneself in the bathroom at times).

10 reasons Matthew is an essential part of the Nicholes' experience:

1.  Without him, I wouldn't know what the Wall of Flesh is or a corrupt bunny.

2.  He continues to be a reading machine which is the essence of all Nicholes.

3.  He has taken to not complaining when it's time to help me clean and just says OK.  Novel idea but it makes a mom feel loved.

4.  He is pleased by simple things, doesn't expect something big and fancy.

5.  He values good friends and treats them kindly always.

6.  Even if he isn't wild about a dinner, he most always tries it/eats a small serving without complaint (unfortunately last Sunday this led to us learning he has a lentil allergy--which means he wasn't kidding when he said he dislikes peas because they make his lip itch.  Seriously, worse "allergy mom" ever.  Peanuts = legume, peas = legume, lentil = legume.  Your kid is ALLERGIC to legumes, lady!  We will laugh about all this some day, maybe.  No anaphylaxis was caused for you worriers, just a weird feeling in his mouth as he forged on until we thought it through a bit and took that bowl away.  No more lentils.  Sadly, Ben wishes now he had allergies.  Oh to be able to avoid dinner because it literally makes you ill instead of just in your mind.)

7.  He is a really good artist but I don't think he realizes it.

8.  He thinks about what it will mean to be a good dad some day.  I like that this is in the back of his mind because now is when he starts doing the things to help him become the man he wants to be.

9.  He sets lofty scripture reading goals.  Heart in the right place is always a good thing.

10.  He is a good big brother, looks out for the littles and spends a lot of time with them, even when he is desperate for awhile to just be alone...although he is pretty good at pulling that off when he needs to as well.

7)  A braid!  We made a real French braid, and she is still 1.  How cute and fun but a challenge with toddler hair.  

So in summation, we got our Christmas tree up nice and early, had some jolly good times celebrating our Savior and spending time together.  Taught 3 kids Nerts and Rummy which led to many, many card games.  I could not have asked for a better year.

Lucas working super hard led to a raise that will bless us in Operation I Hate You, Student Loans, and there is definitely some new excitement and momentum happening in that department.  Thank you, Lucas, even if I did miss you terribly while you worked so much harder to develop new mad skills.

In reflection on this past year, which is really more than a year to me as I think from the time I found I was pregnant with DG until a few months ago is like a whole epoch in and of itself, I have learned so, so much, mostly the hard way, by stumbling around complaining instead of turning and turning and turning to the Lord.  But in my stumbling, I learned that the extra hard way really stinks.  I will always have trials in my life.  My loved ones will always have hard times, too.  There is no perfect life.  There is no Easy Street, not for many people in this life and definitely not for anyone I know and/or love.  But who I look to every day, good ones and bad ones, the little things I do every day to call upon the Lord and reach out in love and understanding to those around me, the things I actually DO to show the Lord I love him rather than just feeling or know in my heart that I love him, those are the things that are helping me climbing out of my stumbling pit and see a whole new view.  And I smile because as much as you hear that there are certain things that are the right things to do, if you are stubborn you just don't get it.  But right now I do get it, and I feel like I have grown a lot as a daughter of God who is imperfect but full of wanting to do good things and trying to do them, as a wife who appreciates the amazing man her husband is (but has miles to go before she fully appreciates him), as a mom (though it is intense so I will forever be a work in progress there).  I don't have to ever be perfect here.  I don't have to try to be like anyone else.  I just have to love who I am and find the beauty in whatever circumstances I am in.  And be patient as all those in my sphere of influence do the same or don't - it's up to them.  

So to start off 2016, I am so thankful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I am thankful for a Father in Heaven that I can pray to every day.  I am especially good at pleading and asking why, but I want to get better at listening to Him and being guided my Him.  I do believe his plan for me is way better than what I keep planning for myself.  I just need to stop fighting for what I think my life should look like and build the life I am actually factually supposed to have.  He has never let me down, so I am going to keep trying to get a little better at all the little things this year, and we will see where that takes me.  

Happy 2016!!!

Not just another manic monday.

Thank goodness!  You know, in all honesty, with all the horrible things happening, terrorists and sicko child abusers, and so much hate and apathy, obsession with Hollywood and the excess attitude of more, more, more I see all around me, the world seems kind of in a mess.  But I look for and try to note the good.  When I see something horrible, I acknowledge it happened, but I look for beauty because what good is feeling hopeless, depressed and afraid going to do anyone?  Um, no good.  So I feel weird being so chipper today, but here, I am, chipper.

I actually, factually woke up this morning and exercised, not just a short slow walk, a whole workout...which left me having a challenging time walking down the stairs for the first hour (much better now), and it totally got my happy chemicals going.  It has been a good morning.  I may have laid on Shawn's bed while he and Daphne played BBQ (yep, it's a thing) and lapsed in and out of wakefulness for 20 minutes from the sleep deprivation, but I was happy then, too.  Got some apples going in the oven as I do not yet own a food dehydrator, and Shawn, Daphne and I danced to Christmas carols and read books this morning.  I felt very lucky.  Sometimes I do not feel lucky trying to squish too much into too little some, so sufficeth it to say no house cleaning went on this morning, but I was very productive.  Honestly, I haven't seen Shawn so happy in weeks.  I had no idea he had that much joy in his little body, and it was good to see.  I think we just need to play and hang out a little more.

Yes, house (and husband), I promise, promise that the house will sparkle someday, just not for the next few years.

And, in other news because with me there is always other news, Enzo has finally accepted his comfy bed (as long as it has a pillow) after ignoring and poo-pooing it for over a week.  He is getting some serious comfort out of that thing which makes me happy because poor guy has had some kind of horrible itchy skin reaction (maybe because Daph tries to feed him ALL THE THINGS).

In conclusion, I hate evil and selfishness and darkness.  And it will not win in the end, so neener nanner, and, meanwhile, even though there are so many rotten people on earth, there are so many wonderful people who do amazing things every day, big and small.  I love watching, hearing about and being a recipient of those acts and, when I'm not being too inwardly focused (which happens when you are me trying to cope with life), being the one who does them, too.  Faith WILL defeat fear.  There is always light and truth to seek after.  And doing the right thing pays off in the end.  AND, you know, for the most part I have control of how things go down in this house, so our house will be a safe, peaceful and mostly happy place as long as I reside here (except when there is something new for dinner...that takes the smiles right off those sweet little faces).

I love this month!

I love Christmas.  It is so very, very true.  I've had plentiful Christmases in the gift department and Christmases where there wasn't a whole lot, and ever since I was little (and even very Santa obsessed), I felt the pull in my own heart to celebrate Christ's birth and all he has given us, especially amidst the commercial hoopla and hectic pace of the season.  I remember going off by myself on Christmas Eve to read the Christmas story to try to remember that even though my head was about to explode from anticipation the peace I felt as I read about Jesus's humble birth was the thing that really mattered.  This morning in Primary, as the children sang a song called Christmas Bells and I listened to their sweet voices, as I looked at a few beautiful paintings we have in our Primary room I was overcome with the spirit of the season and a lot of gratitude for my Redeemer.  He is Wonderful.  He is the Prince of Peace.  And I am so thankful for Him.  Merry Christmas!

Concert and Advent Calendar

Ah, the annual elementary school Christmas concert.  What was once torture when Lily started school and then became bearable though weird for the last several years has actually evolved into a good, traditional-feeling, but still brief (oh so important-attention span of a goldfish here), Christmas concert.  Fun to hear Ben singing Up on the Housetop just like I did when I was standing on risers in my own elementary school back in the day.  Ben was SOOO cute, doing his actions very enthusiastically and singing away (rare for my boys).  I totally let Matt get away with no concert this year.  I have heard all the songs before.  They seriously, even through 3 different music teachers in 6 years, have done the same songs for each grade (with a few variations), so I don't feel too bad, and Matt thought he was getting away with something...little did he know....I was instead.

Daph was fascinated with the seat bottoms that flipped up.  It was how she occupied most of her time, that and exchanging dirty looks with a young chap who was blowing raspberries at her.  She liked the clapping too.  I learned Matt is more of a conversationalist at a concert than a listener and observed...very educational though, bless him.

Then, because that NEED TO CREATE is always a-raging, I stayed up past 2, fell asleep plotting further creating and worked most of the morning to make and then clean up after this puppy:

Lucas brought mandatory advent calendars into our Christmas life.  YAYYY!  But I wanted something prettier with yummier tasting stuff inside, I guess.  It was fun but time consuming, and I love it.  I am certainly learning after every project I do I see immediately one thing I wish I had done differently, but naturally it is too late, but I am going to keep owning the imperfection and love the good parts.  Might as well.  That is life.

Growing, growing, huh?

You know how the older you get the more what your parents said (only parents who were actually trying.  I realize some people get loser parents) starts to make sense?  Like as I was getting all tall and my feet kept growing and my dad had to my more and more new shoes, he started to call me Big Foot.  I wasn't sure how to feel about it.  Was I a hideous freak?  Was my dad frustrated by all the expense of those shoes?  Did he think my feet were abnormal?  

I realized yesterday I have my own not so little Big Foot.  I am so tempted to call her Big Foot, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.  The reason I want to call her that is simply because the sheer nerve of her growing self just strikes me with awe.  How is it possible the little baby whose teeny feet I was taking pictures of 12 years ago now has size 11 feet.  What in the world?  That is my size.  Some women gasp in shock when you say your feet are that size.  And even now as I look at her feet, they look so much tinier than mine...it helps that she hasn't been walking on her feet for 35 years and carried 5 kiddos with that slight foot spread action that goes on, but still, size 11.  She doesn't look like it, but 10's are too small and so 11's it is.  And my bank account will be a little smaller, but we can't have her going around barefoot, so that's just how it's gonna be.