Long-Term Subbing, Dog Training and Life

 

 

We have 5 weeks of school left.  I have been subbing since March 1st in Mrs. Nuuvali's 3rd grade class.  It has been really hard sometimes but also the most fun way to spend 8 hours of my day and make money.  I feel like I am in my element, and I hope that this feeling continues into real contracted teaching.  I have learned that teaching and working with children can be a lot like dog training.  No, I don't mean that in a degrading way, but Ripley has been having some intense training that has made a huge difference in her behavior.  She has had so many less problems with submissive peeing and tearing up Daphne's toys, growling at strangers and being aggressive.  And it's because she knows we are in charge, we will keep her safe and we have high expectations.  You have to apply distance pressure and eye contact to show Ripley (and students) that you know exactly what is going on and they need to stay in line.  There is more, and maybe I sound crazy, but it's true.  My class makes me laugh, they make me aggravated to no end, and I love them so, so, so much.  I am so excited to finally be a teacher.

But there is even more excitement.  At the beginning of April, I interviewed and was hired by David E Normal Elementary in Ely, NV.  Lucas and I were definitely going back and forth, back and forth about if we should move, where we should move, and we think we are supposed to move to Ely, or at least that Heavenly Father is telling us it is a growth opportunity, if not a necessity, to move there.  We will live in Lucas's mom's house, and it is definitely downsizing and there is currently no lawn, and our whole lifestyle will sort of change.  I'm excited, and incredibly sad, and scared, and worried.  We have only known Boise as a family.  Fell in love, had all our babies, finished college (twice for me).  So much has happened here.  The good, the bad, but we have grown so much, and it is a beautiful place.  There are a bunch of reasons that it makes sense to stay but also some good reasons to move.  Surprising that we choose Ely, but in some ways, like a job, being closer to most of our family, and financially, it makes sense.  It will be hard though, and this move is heartbreaking at times.  I still think maybe we won't move.  Maybe Heavenly Father will pull the plug on this plan, and that would be okay.  And definitely, this could be the worst thing I've ever done to someone else because Lily is going into her senior year.  I think she can have some great experiences in Ely, but she is taking it hard...and I blame her exactly 0%.  This is being done on faith and prayer and hope, and, as a parent, and an adult and a wife, it's pretty scary.  I don't know the consequences for any of us, positive or negative.  Faith and hope.  Practice faith and hope.

We will be leaving this....so green and tree-ful and lovely in the spring (but also with a quickly growing population, traffic, and a slightly crazy state government)...

and moving to the below house.  Yes, it is a different color now.  Lucas's mom had it fixed up completely (minus the lawn) years ago, and we have lots of good memories here.  But it is the deep, deep high desert.  I wanted space.  I wanted a slower pace.  It could very well be happening.  I just don't know what to make of it all, so I will leave it at that for now.

I GRADUATED!!!

 Despite probably the weirdest student teaching semester thanks to COVID-19, I made it through and my diploma is supposed to be ordered next week, and I can apply for certification once my official transcript is here too.  I was/am so happy to be done.  I am substituting for the spring.  I need to get Lucas to help me with my resume.  I have a long-term sub job March through June (67 days!) which will kind of be like student teaching minus a full-time mentor teacher.  And I am trying to wrap my mind around getting prepared for interviews and then doing them, without fainting or freaking out.  I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, but I need to give off some kind of 'she knows what she's doing' vibe when I interview.  Sigh.  Scary stuff, but Heavenly Father has gotten me through one thing and over another hurdle and through several storms, so I know He will help me get through this.  Below is a picture of me my last day of the semester, subbing as a librarian and dressed as an elf.

The last 9 months-what can I say?  A billion memes have been made.  We hand a pandemic, protests and riots related to racial injustices, an IMO horrible President making his last year the worst, a very strange election and then right wing extremists storming our nation's capitol, egged on by the sore loser, Donald Trump, who is supposed to be protecting our country, not endangering it.  And have I been able to go to the temple during all of this?  No!  Only for rare exceptions and new ordinances have people been going to temples.  How much we took for granted before this time.  I'm out of practice for normal church, normal school, normal anything, really.

My brain is a little dead right now, not going to lie, as I think after 9 months of no diseases, I am getting a cold.  But I did a really really hard thing.  Lucas helped me do that really really hard thing.  Even though now I spend more time away from home during wake hours than at home (except for weekends, school breaks and summer), this adventure (haha, um, idk if I'd call it an adventure) has reinforced without a doubt that my family is what I love more than anything else.  They are my reason and my motivation.  I can't wait to see them every morning and every evening and every weekend.  I don't know why, but Heavenly Father let my husband and children part of life come so easily to me.  Now the keeping it all together and taking good care of everyone and never giving up and having confidence in myself and figuring out what I wanted and needed to do-that wasn't easy.  Life has most definitely been hard, but as Lucas said in one of our home sacrament meetings recently, LIFE WAS NOT BUILT FOR COMFORT.  It's taken me a long time to realize that, but I think I'm starting to get it now.  And last September I turned 40.  Can you believe it?  In some ways I can and in some ways I think no way.

I am so thankful for my family, my husband, my Father in Heaven, my Savior, a living prophet, Christ's church restored through Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, temples, and all of God's amazing creations and the ways He has inspired man.

Wish me luck subbing and becoming a real employed teacher.  We have big financial goals, but it means I need to sub until I'm hired and then work hard after that.  I want to be a great teacher.  I want my students to enjoy my class.  My internship, subbing and student teaching make me feel like it is going to be a huge challenge because that's not how real life in the field schools work for the most part.  I also want to keep my contract hours, working very hard, and then not bring a bunch of work home and feel guilty about not working constantly.  Another huge challenge, but I feel like Heavenly Father will support me in this because family first.  It may take a few messy years to get it all working, but I know what my goals are in a broad sense.  Here I come, teaching!!!

Intern in Mrs. Steiner's 5th Grade Class at Mary Mc

 

I wrote the title to this blog last March, not realizing I would never be back with those students.  I didn't take pictures with them, and I was only with them for 9 weeks.  It was such a good experience even though I was so terrified and had to slowly grow into it.  Dusti Steiner helped me so much and gave me lots of chances to do my thing and then correct what she'd have done differently or what I could do to make it better.  I'm at a loss for much else to say, but did want to mark those few months in time.

2020-What Happened?

Well, here we are at the end of the first quarter of 2020, and the world feels turned upside down...the whole world!!!  This is probably the weirdest experience in my life so far, and I know we will all remember this our whole lives, assuming the world doesn't go even more crazy, which it truly could.  This is all thanks to a worldwide pandemic known as COVID-19 or coronavirus.  They are working on a vaccine, but that will take over a year.  And though we know older people are at the greatest risk, there are a lot of unknowns, so school has been canceled for a month.  Store shelves are missing basics like flour and toilet paper, and people have panicked or are panicking.  Living as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, if our family had done everything perfectly, I think we'd have very little to worry about.  We have been being prepared for years for times such as these.  I think we could have done better in our food supply, keeping the Sabbath, and so on, but we have made some honorable efforts, and I don't feel panicked thanks to following the prophet.  In fact, one cool thing is last time I went to Costco, before things got crazy, I bought 2 big packs of TP and 2 butters and some other stuff I never double up on just because it seemed like the right thing to do, and boy am I glad I did.  What a blessing.  I'd like to think it was prompted by the Holy Ghost because we do try.

But I'm not going to lie, the uncertainty has been hard.  My internship semester is slipping away.  My class is online and I can't get my mind wrapped around it just yet.  I won't get to be in my class much anymore (if at all) and will write about that experience soon. And Lily who was getting who groove with FFA, improv and mock trial, it all got swept out from under her.  All of the kids, in fact, have to get used to a new, sort of boring normal, though I think we are all trying to make the best of it.

But before the topsy-turvy happened:

Daphne lost her first tooth...and her second, after New Years but before school started back up.

 I think I took this picture because Daphne was so earnestly trying to read the words of the hymns.  She has become an incredible reader.  After our 'spring break' week is over, we need to get more serious about learning again from home.

 We haven't had much snow since the holidays, but Daphne and Shawn made a wonderful snowman back then.  They are wearing cute hoodies their Grandma Laura gave them for Christmas.

 Lily loves to sing and play piano cords.  She is still rocking her short haircut.  So crazy to think she is 16.5 and definitely wanting to be her own person but still our girl but pushing us away but wanting to keep us close.  Teenage-hood is not a picnic.

 Ben turned 11.  I'm pretty sure I've been telling everyone he's still 10, but he's 11-last year of primary.  He is rocking a long haircut still and is a total social butterfly.  This quarantine situation will probably be hardest on him.

 Daphne, who I have way too many pictures of, loves to have hair, jewelry and sometimes even lip gloss for church.  Girly girl for the win.

 Lily used chocolate fondant to make Daphne kitties for her birthday cake which Daphne explained to me in elaborate detail months in advance.  Lily did great, but too bad Daphne doesn't realize how limited her mom's cake skills are.

 Daphne loved her birthday and especially enjoyed adding the biggest bunny yet to her bunny collection.

 My internship semester was a little rough for Daphne and I at the beginning.  She has thrived in all-day kindergarten, and her morning and weekend cuddles helped me be more okay with the things I had to do.

 Daphne with her Christmas blanket looking kinda cute but very serious.

 Matthew had a drop-in awards assembly where he was recognized for his GPA as well as by Mrs. Brockman for being a dependable, kind, helpful student.  I was so glad I could go and support plus not be late to my internship.  What a kid!

 A Matthew in his natural habitat with his natural hair.

 Matt at his recital.  He went on to get superiors at Festival.  We are pretty sure this is his last year of piano.  Cool story, though.  Sister Call, his piano teacher, came over to tell me he really took responsibility for his lack of practice for several months which is unheard of in a student his age.  He stopped blaming others, started working and pulled it off.  Proud.

 Daphne was allowed to play with Matt's cute pillow and made it bed, asking for me to take their pictures together.

 Pure nostalgia-Lily is 16.  Daphne is 6.  Lily has been way into hair and makeup with all this time on her hands w/o school, so she decided one Sunday to do Daph's hair too.  I remember Meredith curling my hair for church, school and family pictures when we were essentially the same ages.  Little sisters feel so special when older sisters take that time to pamper them.

 Enzo is adjusting to having us home all the time.

 And the things that happen in my bathroom when Lily is bored.  Hilarious because normally Ben is the one who does silly things to my room.

And that is a quick catchup of the start of our year in pictures only.  Yes, Shawn is still part of our family.  I feel like I should do a post just for him.  He's a fantastic and tender boy who hears EVERYTHING and continues to be a great thinker and learner.

Spontaneity and December

At the end of November...

 Lily got her hair cut and has been loving it.  And we got a decent little snow while Sam, Jon and Jonny were visiting.  Shawn went out and made a snowman in the dark.  We went bowling as a big family.  And we (mostly Lucas with some help from Matt and I) got our office remodel started a couple of years ago 98% finished (shelving).

This is the Mayan calendar we got for our wedding date when we were in Playa del Carmen for a cruise excursion.  It now has a place in our office, along with some photos of Lucas and I on a few of our adventures (which he wrapped up as a Christmas present announcing taking me on a trip at my convenience).

Ben the party planner asked if he could please do a Christmas party for boys and girls, and so we did that early in December before the hoopla of the holidays got too intense.

 We also had a perfectly simple (probably not for the planners) ward holiday breakfast.  You can see shy Shawn off to the left and shy Daphne as the tallest in the front row, but they got up there and sang!!!  Ben is officially too cool to sing with the primary even though he has a whole year left before going into YM. 

Ben the entrepreneur also has a publishing company at school.  He designed a logo and a mascot.  When I subbed in his classroom the last day of school I saw the advertisements he'd posted for help wanted and for people to order comics.  Cute!

 Matt turned 14.  He's such a fun kid.  Old enough for facial hair which mortifies him when we point it out (I'm trying to stop) but so sweet and loving.  I'm hoping boys don't dislike their parents quite as much as girls do during the teenage years (personal experience-I realize some people have kids who always think they're great).

 Daphne and Shawn playing with some leftovers from Ben's party.  Cute little Santa and elf.

 Grandma Laura and Grandpa Jim came and brought lots of presents.  Grandma EVEN crocheted Daphne's kitty a dress and blanket which is pretty impressive considering the visit was less than 24 hours.  Their visit this year was a breath of fresh air during a very difficult month or two.  It kind of felt like a grand kickoff to being almost to Christmas (though I still had a few more days until I was on break).

 During December I would wrap myself in a blanket on the couch early in the morning and read the Book of Mormon by the light of the Christmas tree.  So peaceful and centering-too bad I've given it up the last 5 days for sleeping in.  Still might have a day or 2 before we take the tree down so I can revel a bit more in the great feelings it let me have when I was just wiped out and sad.

 Just a random picture of Daphne dressing up as a sunbather, Moana, foxy tailed creation.  Oh Daphne, this was the month we finally, FINALLY got your baby book done.  Happy dance! 

 Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning:

 Ben, where are you???  He's just out of the frame.

It was a nice Christmas with perhaps too many presents (not because of Lucas and I😼), but the kids had a wonderful time and have had a lot to keep them occupied.  But being as they are kids, they still manage to be bored too, of course.  We were thankful for all the love and friendship shown through cards, treats, fun and meaningful presents, and phone calls.

Before I write the spontaneous part of this post, I just have to share a silly but not silly Christmas morning experience:  I had my first present from Laura and Jim on my lap to open, and when it was my turn I ripped open the paper and saw a set of teacher stamps.  Emotion overcame me and I actually cried over a Christmas present.  This is not my MO, not at all.  I cry but not over presents, but there I was crying with my first present of the morning.  I sort of wanted to ask for teacher stuff for Christmas so that I am prepared when I get a real job, but I had no idea what to ask for.  I don't know my grade level.  I don't know what I'll need.  Just a bunch of unknowns, so I didn't say a word.  So it was really neat that Laura got me something teacher related that will be perfect no matter what I teach.  Not only that, but having a tangible item that I will use when I teach made it seem real.  I don't know why but all this sacrifice from me, Lucas, and in some ways the kids, all the worrying about if I'm being a good enough mom while I'm a student, if I am actually doing the right thing, if I will ever make it, all of that just kind of crescendoed into tears as I realized it's not forever away.  I have spring, fall and then I will be certified, even if it takes me another half year to get hired.  I can do it this.  I will do this.  And, most importantly, even though this was not my plan, even though this does not fit what I (and many) have labeled as what I ideally should be doing with my life right now as a Christian mother, I have felt time and again (between all the doubts and fears) that this is right, that there are reasons for me to be doing this, reasons for myself and for my future pupils and co-workers.  I don't have answers, but Christmas morning made me realize how much I want this and am excited (again, mixed with all the doubts and fears).

SPONTANEITY:  So with 5 children, a few of which become easily anxious, we aren't the most spontaneous people.  But, Friday after Christmas Lucas said, hey, we should go visit your family in Tooele, UT.  Specifically, Dear Aunt Ja was hit by a car a week and a half ago and we have been concerned and wanted to see her, but also she was at my sister Meredith's house, along with Marc and 3 out of 4 nieces and nephews.  I said sure, so we planned to go the next morning.  Lily was not sure, go, don't go, go, don't go, and she decided to stay and take care of pets.  The other kids were shocked by the concept of just taking off but the youngest three are pretty go with the flow, so taking our time, off we went.  It was a fun quick trip.  We ate out, reconnected, planned for the family's 2020 which really needs to be more organized and intentional given my professional year and Lucas working at home.  We swam a lot in our hotel pool.  Lucas is so fun to watch with the kids!  I am not a swimming queen but practiced my front glides and did some elementary back stroke.  We played Marco Polo, did one chicken fight and Lucas launched Ben and Shawn quite a few times.  It was just fun and relaxing.  And it was great to see poor Ja who I am wishing the quickest healing and lots of car rides for until she can drive.  We had fun with Mere/Marc, Olivia, Megan, and Ryan.  Meredith made a yummy dinner and it was way worth the spontaneity.  We decided we need to do it more.  Oh, and even though I didn't love much of the stormy snowy drive home, it could have been much worse and God kept us safe.

Life is so different from a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago, and I am seeing that most of those times that seem too crazy or too imperfect, in one way or another are the best of times, so it's important to find the beauty and gratitude we can muster for the times we are in.  I find myself looking fondly on times that weren't that great at the time, if that makes sense, so I have to assume that right now, in all its at times raw and ugly, will someday be precious to me.  Hopefully, I can blog even once a month like i did last month and this one because all the journaling I can must between written and typed is one of the greatest gifts I can give myself (and hopefully my posterity).

Transitioning

Sometimes when I substitute in a Resource Room, the person giving me instructions will say, "So and so has a hard time with transitions," meaning when it's time to switch class or change from one activity to another, it's a struggle for this kiddo.

I have gradually accepted over the last few months (and am OH SO THANKFUL for the fact) that I have been having a slow transition from my old life to a new one.  The important things are still the biggest part of my life:

But my life is ever so sneakily morphing into something new.  I will not hash out a long tale because I imagine I've written about it on here before, but I thought for sure I'd work a few years as a medical transcriptionist, and then, BAM, stay at home mom/homemaker for life.  As the years progressed and more and more babies came with no sign of not working, I felt a lot of things-thankful for a husband who works hard and has a steady job, thankful that I had a source of income to support our sorta big (by today's American standard) family, but also desperate, hopeless, and very WHY ME? about the whole situation. This was not my plan.  This was not the life I had expected to find myself living.  Over a period of two to three very hard years, I came to realize that God had different things in store for me.  Sometimes I was excited about those things; sometimes I was bitter.  Now sometimes I get very excited about those things, and sometimes I am terrified.

I sought to know what God wanted me to do.  Well, let's be honest; I begged for a way out of what I felt was an unbearable situation (hey, we all can feel a little dramatic about somethings in life).  And with searching and mental/emotional labor on my part, I found a way out that felt right.  It has not been easy, and it is certainly not dreamy, and, for all I know, maybe it's not a for-20-years thing, but I hope it is.

So now I am mid transition.  I started a bit over a year ago by taking 1 class online while still editing part time.  Then I took three classes, all on campus.  I had a summer class, 2 major tests and then an actual summer break with some fabulous times.

Now, I am taking four classes and have applied for my Professional Year (terrifying!!!  absolutely terrifying).  I will be interning in the spring and student teaching in the fall.  I have added subbing to my routine and that can go pretty well or feel like a flaming bag of dog doo, but I feel I've learned a lot about different school vibes and some things I would and would not do in my classroom.  I've learned middle school IS a possibility.  I've loved subbing for EL and other students in middle school, am even going to try Matt's math class next week.  Yikes!

And in His truly tender way, God has eased me into all this madness and seen me through so far, making me think He will support out the other side and in whatever comes next.  He has given Lucas the desire and ability to really support me at home and with the kids, which I am so fortunate in; not every husband's schedule would allow it.  Heavenly Father has given me this desire to do what scares me.  The fear doesn't really go away, but I have gotten really good at just barging into the situations and trying my best to pretend (and occasionally actually knowing) I know what I'm doing.  God's tender love and my Savior's tender love for me have enabled me to do this because on my own I would not, could not, no way, no how, and I am most thankful for their help and love.

And today, I am thankful for this transition.  Despite 4 classes and subbing, I have a little time each week to be the woman I naturally thought I would be all along.  I got a batch of applesauce started, made myself a healthy breakfast and started some laundry.  I think old Marianne would have been a pretty great full-time homemaker (though she would never feel as passionate about cleaning as she should), but I have a pretty strong belief now that she would have been depressed more than is healthy sometimes, shut herself away from opportunities and let her shyness and introversion take over.  That's why I think Heavenly Father let me get into the position I thought was unbearable, so I would find a way to dig myself out, and, with Him, I did and I have.  

And now, newish Marianne (who is still the same old Marianne in almost every way) is bolder, more well spoken, braver, friendlier, and more confident than she once was.  I am so thankful for that because I am going to need to have a voice, strength of purpose, and endless determination and resourcefulness where I'm headed.  Do I feel ready?  No.  Will I make a million mistakes moving forward?  Oh yes.  But will God help me to do what I need to do?  Yes.  Will He help me to keep my dear Lucas and my most precious children at the forefront of my mind rather than letting my career or my selfish desires put them down lower on my list?  Yes, He will, as long as I call on Him and seek Him, and that is my plan.

I just had to say hello, though, on this beautiful JUST A MOM morning because even though I don't get to have the life I wanted, this transition time has some pretty wonderful precious moments that I will not have in another year, so I am thanking God for them while they last.

Now's as good a time as any

It's a good time to stop and take a deep breath.  I am working on homework for one of my four grad classes this semester.  I substitute taught for kindergarten (unexpectedly, I was supposed to be a para) this afternoon, and I am excited for a day 'off" which will involve staying home all day if possible (!!!) folding laundry and watching movies, followed by cake, ice cream and chocolates.  I know how to live it up Marianne-style and I am looking forward to it.  I also plan on putting away clutter in my room and putting on fresh sheets tonight so I can feel zen in the morning.

My life is crazy right now, though, and I think I probably would have said that for most of my decades on earth.  It just doesn't ease up, and if it is about to, then I get dissatisfied and problematize and look where I'm at.  I am certainly leaning heavily upon my Heavenly Father and Savior to get through things right now.  We have a lot going on at our house and in our family, and I don't get to stop and think too hard about it...No, I just keep going and think about it in the small spaces of time I'm driving or lawn mowing or falling asleep or waking up.

But right now, as I avoid reading yet another peer-review article for yet another class's reading response, I want to remember some of the beauty and loveliness in my life at the moment.

EARLIER, the rain was pouring and Daph and Shawn asked to play outside in the puddles.  They donned rain jackets which we had gotten for the Oregon Coast and never had to use.  Shawn carried his $3 Target umbrella I purchased him last spring.  They played in the street gutters, Shawn in light blue and Daphne in yellow (duck), splashing and hollering.  Lucas called me to come watch.  I grabbed my phone after I saw their darlingness, but by then they had moved far enough away my phone would have gotten rained on while snapping a shot.  I should have just drank in that perfection and gone to stood in the rain-no pics necessary.  Soon Lily had to get in on the action because she cannot stand to be inside when there are puddles.  Bless the child in that very teenage brain/body who wanted to come out to play.  She took her sister across the street to where she knew there were even deeper puddles.  They came home soaked.

BEN has the longest hair a boy of mine has ever had, probably the longest a boy in our extended family has ever had.  His personality, blonde hair and blue eyes just delight me.  That boy can just get away with a little more than he should, and I can't figure out why, but I love the odd one out element he brings to our family with his surfer dude casualness.

CHICKENS are way more fun than I would have imagined.  Our four chickens are laying machines.  I love those girls very much.  You give them so little and they lay their hearts out, and I do appreciate that they speak up if they need to remind you of something like if Ben forgot to refill their water or if they are out of food.  Fascinating little dinosaurs (as Lucas would say).

CUDDLES with Lucas in the early morning hours as I try to coax myself to wake up.  I have been so worried about him lately as he doesn't feel good, and it feels so nice to just be in his arms and feel his warmth and know that at least that is okay even if everything else is not.

DAPHNE cuddles are also a part of the mornings when I don't have to head out to class or a sub job.  Having her gone all day is convenient but, my goodness, it doesn't feel good to think she is in a screaming crazy mob all day.  She is definitely learning a lot and seems happy, but I don't want her to grow up too fast or miss out on anything she should have had.  Cuddles with her have been grounding since she was so wee, and I will miss those as she grows up and doesn't think they're the best thing ever anymore.

ELL substituting was the highlight of my short subbing career so far.  I loved those kids.  I see a possible future there, and it gave me hope for where I might fit into a school system.

RIVER WALKS.  I know.  Shocker.  They are few right now, but they have been life affirming.

I LOVE TO SEE THE TEMPLE and go inside and be reminded that Heavenly Father and Jesus have my back.  They are here.  They are with me daily, every minute.  They will not let me fail at anything I'm not supposed to fail at, and they will love me just the same and pick me back up when I do fail.  What comfort, and how important to remember the BIG, BIG eternal picture which is exactly what the temple does for me every time.

FAMILY.  I love my sisters and brother, mom and dad, and, most dearly, I love my husband and children.  I sometime wish, but am overcoming it, that life were different and I was the SAHM of my dreams, lavishing love and nurture upon our home and my children every hour they were home.  I have never been that mom 100%.  I regret that, but I don't know that with this husband and these kids that my life could have ever been different or that it was supposed to be.  My kids mean everything to me.  My husband is someone I want to hold on tight to and never let go...except, you know, sometimes because space is good now and then.  I want so much to do right by them all, and it's not easy.  It's another thing I have to rely on the Lord for, to guide me, to let me know when someone is struggling, and to remind me that even though I have so much on my plate personally/professionally, they are why I'm here and why I'm doing this.  I love them.  I can't wait until our next adventure together, and I will commit to making the day-to-day better and more adventurous too because we've been known to get into ruts which can be quite boring.

SO do I feel life is beautiful right now...I don't know...it's so intense and the lovely moments are so sought for but sparse, but I have seen some beautiful amidst my mess plenty enough lately, and for those times I am grateful.

Is it officially summer, yet?

Not to complain, but I am so nervous about my PRAXIS II tests this week-first my Biology Content Knowledge (which it would be a miracle if I passed) and then, second, my Elementary Core 4-part test.  I really, really want a 5 full weeks before fall semester where I don't have to study one little bit for anything...just time at parks with the kids, playing board games, getting some deep housecleaning done.  If I don't pass, it will mean more studying AND taking the tests once the semester has started.  Ugh.  And I'd like to say it's up to Heavenly Father, but it is up to how well my brain retained study information and IF I even studied enough and the right things.  Sigh.  I need to do a bit of writing about some of what's happened in 2019 so far, but that will have to wait because this week is swim lessons for B and S, study, study, test take, test take, other household stuff and then immediately off to Beehive Camp (which will be a new adventure as I've never gone to any overnight camp as a leader. 

12/31/2018

It was a great year for going back to school, seeing kids grow too fast and doing amazing things I never dreamed they were capable of, having some rejuvenating family time/trips, and fully realizing that marriage is a team sport.  It's been a year where I've done new things and comfortable old things, too.

It was a bad year for hair cuts (for me at least), perfectly excellent health for our family, and free time.

I feel like I've had some great personal growth in 2018.  I've re-thought a lot my dead-end thinking.  I'm trying to change a lot of self-talk that has not done me much good.  I'm trying to be kinder to myself but also need to push myself harder in some ways (like being a better cleaning queen).  I feel ready for 2019.  

1.  I want to really take charge of our family budget this year.  

2.  I want to get more comfortable with the idea of legitimately being a teacher.  It's like a dream/hope/maybe feels like my destiny thing right now, and as I take more classes it will be time to really test myself and realize I can stretch and do all the hard things I was too afraid to do or try 20 years ago.  I think it will be terrifying but also exhilarating and not at all impossible, despite my negative thoughts about myself.  I am full of potential and I am not over-the-hill, out-of-touch or, by any means, done.

3.  I want to fully re-connect with family that I've distanced myself from.  It is easy to feel hurt.  It is easy to be full of regret because things will never be how you imagined them or hoped they would be.  BUT it's a serious waste of time to bury your head in the sand and not face reality with love and hope, forgiveness and understanding.  So that is most definitely happening this year.

4.  I want to take care of myself completely spiritually this year.  That will involve meditation, yoga, positive talk, more scripture study than I've ever done before, lots of long walks, going to the temple to commune with my Heavenly Father and Savior, and seeing prayer for the sweet communion and lifeline it is instead of a to-do item or something to reach for most desperately when feeling desperate (although that's totally a great time to pray as well).

5.  I want to be healthier.  My health is not a number on the scale or a pant size.  I am running (maybe lots of walking, right Ja? a half marathon mid year).  I am trying to not use sugar as a coping mechanism.  And I am going to embrace more fruits and vegetables.  But I think so much of my health will depend upon #4 above and just how I treat myself and, more importantly, how I serve and love others.  

6.  I want to love more like Christ.  I want to love my husband better, my children better, my other family, my neighbors, strangers, fellow earthlings.  I want to care and contribute and pray for and send all the good vibes because a person's a person no matter how small (or large or black or white or differently-abled or differently-attracted), so I want a bigger heart, really, a changed heart this year.  

With those ideas in mind, hmm, and unexpectedly this comes out of nowhere, I think 2019's word is HEART!!!

Nicholes Family Countdown to 2019

Hello to all our family, friends, and future selves!  2018 has been a whopper of a year, so in order to not write a complete novella, I'm limiting myself to a countdown list--but I am verbose so if you plan on finishing this here countdown, get comfortable and enjoy the meandering but scenic ride.

10--Number of seasons of Friends that Lucas set out to watch this year.  Mission accomplished.  He pushed through even when he got mad at some of the characters and felt glad he did so by the end.  Lucas has kept busy (a little too busy [author gets to insert opinions YESSSS!]) with work as a DBA.  Being on-call every few weeks can lead to way too many hours working and way too few hours sleeping, but sometimes it's not so bad.  Lucas has been serving in the Elders' Quorum Presidency for our ward.  He got bummed when some church-wide changes were made in April which meant he'd be released, but then he got called into the new presidency as well.  They've enjoyed working together as they all do what they need to do so a lot of good things get accomplished.  For example, Lucas was in charge of creating a Three-Wise Men Room for a live Nativity.  Many gray hairs were acquired as he worried about the event overall and his specific duties, but he did a fabulous job.  Another proud accomplishment of the year, I'd say, is Lucas got Matthew completely hooked on the author Brandon Sanderson, and Lily too.  Plus, Lucas gets awesome husband bonus points for sitting on really hard cathedral benches while listening to the full Messiah with me a few weeks ago-bucket list item!!!

9--Age Ben was for most of 2018.  He's a live-wire, that one.  He thrives on adding physical humor to any situation.  If Lily lays a hand on him, he's suddenly on the floor writhing in agony, even if she barely touched him--maybe it's actually some kind of defense mechanism?  This school year has been Ben's first in the Gifted and Talented program (he tends to desperately want to be like Matt, so he was quite happy to get asked to test and make it in).  Ben's the kind of kid where as parents we ask ourselves what is this kid going to end up like, but then his teachers say things like I can't wait to see what he grows up to do.  He'll be able to do anything he wants.  The jury is still out, but he makes me laugh EVERY SINGLE DAY, so I'll take it.  Ben's obsession with endangered species such as red pandas and pangolins continues.  He also likes to think up introductory theme music for the Ben the Hen bedtime stories I tell him.  Thankfully, fictional Ben is the real troublemaker.  Compared to him, real-life Ben is an angel.

Ben pushing Grandma Allene around her care center.  Now that is trust.  He only crashed into a few things, and no one was harmed, physically.

8--Number of classes Lily has had her first semester of high school.  The year started off rather dramatically (read: 15 year old girl with big emotions), but she hit her stride so quickly...in surprising ways.  Lily has ended up loving her Japanese class (which originally nearly brought about Armageddon when she got it instead of ASL).  She has thoroughly embraced various aspects of Japanese culture and is picking up the language well too.  She is starting to save up so she can go on the school trip to Japan in a couple of years.  Lily also ended up joining FFA (for you city folk, that's Future Farmers' of America).  We did not see that one coming but maybe it's just in her blood.  She has a knack for dairy cow judging and took first place in Creed Speak, thus being able to move on to the next level of competition in January.  Yep, she kind of blows our minds every now and then.  Still waiting on driver's ed, but she will definitely take on that adventure in the coming year.  The only real downer in Lily's life is that she has stopped growing.  Her goal of 6 feet was never reached, but she walks proudly at 5'11" or so; all will be well, until a brother grows taller than her.

7--Apparently 7th grade is when a lot of boys just decide English and Literature are boring.  I did not know this until Matthew's parent-teacher conferences in October, but there was so much corroboration that they must be right.  His Intro to Engineering teacher said he will make a perfect engineer, despite finding one of MY favorite subjects to be beneath him.  I guess part of the shock is I thought people who love reading passionately love English--not so.  I am humbled.  But he is zealous for reading and has as insatiable an appetite for books as he has developed for food as his body gets ready to spurt.  He just turned *gasp* 13, so we have 2 teenagers under our roof now.  Matt still takes piano lessons and is learning organ (as well as Lily).  I am asked if he is always so happy and polite and kind and spiritual and friendly by various people, and he really is.  Sure, he spaces out important things sometimes, but the house hasn't burned down yet, so we'll keep him.  (Yes, we would still keep him if he burnt our house to the ground-hormones happen.)

Did someone say free books?













6--Days of the week when we just don't get to slow down and take it easy as a family.  There is so much go, go, go that my energy went, went, went long ago.  And this is with me being quite protective of our children's time.  We don't sign up for hardly anything really, but still life is just a little too full, at least fuller than I would like.  Enter, the Sabbath.  Sunday used to be a day I dreaded.  I felt like I couldn't do this, couldn't do that.  Now I live for it.  We get time together as a family.  We get to be recharged.  We focus on the Savior and trying to live our lives a little better.  And we can laugh and joke around and just, breathe.  You know?  We just get to breathe on Sundays.  And I love that.







Some Sabbath goodness right on my bed.  See!












5--Number of staples Shawn (age 7) had to have after splitting his scalp open on a cabinet door while trying to get a cup for his sister right when we were about to sing him "Happy Birthday".  He's a tough kid because about an hour later he was smiling and enjoying cake.  It was kind of a busy urgent care year for Shawn, but every child has their chance, I guess.  Shawn is in 2nd grade, and his teacher describes him as a good solid student all around.  I'll take it because, to date, my boys still let their school lives be an absolute mystery to me.  Shawn got to ride his first train this summer when we were visiting family in Ely, the Ghost Train to be exact.  Our whole family loved it, but Shawn was the only one who got his picture taken with the conductor.  Shawn has loved being in his Primary (church) class this year, not because he is the only boy with a bunch of adorable girls, but because his teacher is so patient and loving, and she is an origami-making machine.  We have a lot of origami in our home now, let me tell you, and Shawn is not keen on me throwing any of it away!  Shawn still struggles to find his place in the sibling dynamics around here, but he is rather easygoing despite being a bit sensitive, and he gets along with pretty much anyone, so I think he'll be okay.  I just hope he doesn't add to his bodily scars anytime soon.  No more attempts at flying or jumping around sharp edges, okay Little Buddy.


4--Days per week that 4-year-old Daphne goes to preschool.  She found it a bit exhausting the first few weeks but loved it since day 1.  She's still a mama's girl, but sometimes now she has the desire to push boundaries or guilt-trip me more than she desires cuddles.  Daphne worked hard this summer and became the youngest Nicholes to learn to ride a bike.  Indeed, practice DOES make perfect is not just a clever saying.  Ben and Shawn joined us in the endeavor so we are now a bike-riding family.  I'm pretty proud of that.  Daphne is a complete fashionista; I have no idea where it came from as I am no glamour girl, but she changes outfits several times a day, color coordinates and asks to wear tinted lip gloss.  She also loves to wear her Great-Grandma Drew's clip-on earrings to church on Sunday with a necklace that, naturally, coordinates appropriately with her outfit.  The school year has not been kind to Daphne's immune system, with stomach bugs and colds galore, but I'm hoping what doesn't kill her makes her stronger because she is such a beautiful and precious #5 to Lucas and me.


3--The number of credits I took in my first semester back at school.  I learned a lot in the last few months.  Not just about using technology in education, but about myself.  It has been grand, well, not for my housework but for me.  Not only did I take a class, but I ended up applying for conditional admittance into my program (1 more prerequisite and I won't be conditional anymore).  That involved an interview, an essay and letters of recommendations-all terrifying things for me, but I did it.  I also conquered my PRAXIS math test which I had let loom over me for 8 months.  When I just buckled down and set a date, studied consistently, and prayed, it all worked out in the end.  I've felt like this semester was just one foothill to climb, followed by another and then a mountain, and I soon realized, that will be all of my education and future career if I continue down this path.  I am currently signed up for 3 (sort of feeling like I might be crazy) classes for next semester, and if I can get over this stupid flu then maybe I can be in the right state of mind to finalize my plans.  I think between having a job I have not loved (see that understatement there) for several years and not having much external validation (I mean have you ever lived with 5 tougher food critics than I cook for?), I forgot that Marianne still has game, if you will.  I am capable of whatever I want to be capable of, and it feels good that I had the grit to prove that to myself this semester.  Go Team Marianne!  Lastly, I had been serving in Activity Days for church, but just barely (barely) have been asked to serve as Young Women's secretary.  Lily is over the moon about it.






A little bit of Greenbelt flooding as I went on one of my many happy-place walks last spring.













2--Number of small children besides Daphne that our cat Piper has made cry.  She's on the psychopathic side (even for a cat), but she's sweet as can be if you are taller than 5 feet.  Piper continues to haunt our sweet Golden retriever, Enzo, both in his dreams and waking hours, and we are never quite sure what to do about that.  We encourage Enzo to chase her with us, maybe do a little pouncing, but he is terrified.  His 75-pound frame shivers with fear sometimes, causing him to jump on our bed or our laps when she enters the room, 10 pounds of seething rabid-raccoon rage (it's a long story).  Again, she's sweet as can be given the right circumstances.  If you have any suggestions, let us know (and no, Dad, a bullet is not an option).  Pluto, Lily's black cat, continues to be friends with Enzo and Piper, although both cats are doing a number on the presents under the tree this holiday season.  They just can't wait until Christmas Day.

1--Number of full-fledged family vacations we took this year, and I hope we get to have many, many more before they all fly out of the nest.  We went to the Oregon Coast, and, though things didn't go quite as the itinerary outlined, it was wonderful in every way, despite Ben having a little gastrointestinal Vesuvius action (if you know what I mean) for one of the days we were there.  It was a perfect vacation, our first time trying a home rental as well.  We had couple time, lots of family time, and Matt polished off 3 large bread bowls of clam chowder while there.  We also were able to celebrate Lucas's birthday and have some friends who live in Portland take the time to come visit us in Rockaway Beach!  I could go on and on, but I won't.  On the way home, we visited Silver Falls State Park, amazing, but I must do some physical conditioning with this bunch before I drag them on a long hike again.  That can be next summer's project.

That wraps up the countdown.  Good job if you made it.  I think it's safe to say one of our fondest wishes is for each person who reads this to have a wonderful 2019, full of faith and love and learning.  It's amazing how each life we come into contact with can affect us for good, and we have certainly been blessed by many wonderful people.  There were certainly some ugly parts of this year (I'm not gonna lie), but I will only disclose those via private collect phone calls, so DM me if interested.  

Love to each of you,

The Nicholes

Bonus picture of Grandma and Grandpa who made a long potentially wild car ride up to deliver presents last weekend and play games with the kids.  That is dedication!